Six depressing reality checks from a single visit to LinkedIn

THE social media site of choice for arseholes, LinkedIn can induce unparalleled despair in just ten minutes. But what depressing truths lie in wait for you?

That twat from your first job is doing far better than you

Martin Bishop, the shit-useless admin assistant at your first job, now runs his own SEO firm which has won an award, while your career appears to have peaked at twenty-five. Deal with this by remembering the time Martin threw up in the cupboard at work after too much Hooch and got sent home.

You understand f**k all about your chosen field

You’ve been a business analyst for ten years but have no idea what this other business analyst is posting about. He’s written 20,000 words on being agile, whatever that is. Give it a thumbs up and write ‘Exactly!’ underneath in the comments section. Maybe employers will see it and headhunt you.

Everyone else does cool work travel

Why is everyone posting pictures of themselves at a conference in Vegas? Who lets them go to Vegas? The last trip you went on was to health and safety course at a Premier Inn on the Banbury ring road that didn’t even have good biscuits.

Your ex is still fit and still happily married

LinkedIn isn’t just for work, you decide, looking up an ex. Yours appears to still be hot, to now be married, and to be running her own business which has glowing write-ups from Forbes. She fails to respond to your request for endorsement.

You dont give a f**k about your company and never will

A colleague has shared a tedious, arse-licking post about your employer winning something called a Risk and Compliance Award 2023 which inspires an internal debate about whether severing your fingers or blinding yourself would best ensure you never browse LinkedIn again.

If you can’t beat the wankers, join them

Hit Like on some stultifying posts about a DevOps culture, whatever that is. Maybe someone will be impressed and offer you tons of money to work for them! Add buzzwords to your profile and take credit for that award. Mask the ensuing nausea and self-loathing with a 9.20am gin.

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British remake of Cocaine Bear stars fox off its tits on blue WKD

HOPING to capitalise on the success of the exploits of a drug-addled animal, film producers have reimagined Cocaine Bear for the British market.

While the original tells the tale of the bloody fallout after a wild bear swallows an entire block of cocaine, the remake follows the aftermath of an urban fox lapping up a discarded WKD Blue in a Wetherspoons car park.

Director Jack Browne said: “We wanted to keep the spirit of the original, while also staying true to the locations and wildlife of Britain. So rather than a bear going on a violent rampage through small town America, our film sees a drunk fox trying to bite a postman in a Milton Keynes cul-de-sac.

“We’re breaking new ground in terms of CGI. Creating a realistic-looking fox is child’s play, but bringing one to life that’s staggering about out of its tree on alcopops? That’s new territory.”

Critics have labelled the remake ‘completely unnecessary’, ‘entirely underwhelming’ and ‘stupid bollocks’, but the film’s creators remain defiant.

Browne said: “Focus groups have demonstrated that things like cocaine and bears are far too exotic and unrelatable for British audiences.

“So our film shows stuff they’re familiar with, like a fox knocking some bins over or drinking so much sugary pre-made vodka mix that you piss yourself.”