Mother proudest of child who earns the most

A MOTHER-OF-THREE has admitted that her favourite child is the one with the highest per annum income. 

Helen Archer of Chester confessed that while you should not really have a favourite, when she heard that daughter Una had received a bonus in the top five figures she could not lie to herself any longer.

She said: “It was different when they were children, because Anthony was very successful academically so it was him.

“But since she got this new position, and the big new house, and she’s given me this Smart TV which aren’t they marvellous, right now she’s number one.

“Of course it’s not just about money. It’s about stability, and not having to worry, and driving me in her nice company car and picking up the bill when we go out for lunch.

“It’s not as if my other two are dead to me now, but at the same time I don’t feel the need to visit their small, dark houses and hear about their middle-income woes.”

Arched added: “I don’t need my children to change the world. Just to be happy. And as they all seem equally happy, I prefer the one with the cash.”

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'You f**king beauty,' say birds as convertible is parked under tree

A FLOCK of birds has gleefully anticipated the treat to come as a middle-aged man parked his convertible car beneath their tree. 

The birds were doing their best to keep their excited chirping and their bowels under control while the metallic-blue convertible, top down, parked under a nearby sycamore.

As the driver, a man in a suit with Ray-Ban shades and a receding hairline, headed towards a nearby conference centre the birds shifted impatiently from foot-to-foot on their branches while awaiting their moment.

Starling Roy Hobbs said: “Right twatting under. You absolute fucking blinder.

“He’s almost in, he’s just checking back on his pride-and-bloody-joy and oh you poor bastard, have we got a surprise for you. Christ I’m clenched here.

“Alright everyone, after your first run over to the bushes and load up on berries, the purple ones. Hell of a stain they leave on leather.

“Okay, this is not a drill, go go go, you have your targets. Let’s fuck that motor up.”