Butchers waxing lyrical about what wonderful lives the animals led before they were killed for you

MEAT suppliers are falling over each other to rhapsodise about how happy and fulfilled their livestock were before being slaughtered to please you. 

From fancy butchers to supermarkets, an enchanting picture of joyous free-range grass-fed gambols in sunlit fields is painted right up until the moment the big trucks arrived to the farm.

Carolyn Ryan, from Colchester, said: “Apparently this lamb led a life of absolute pampered bliss right until I, basically, ordered its execution.

“On the one hand at least it was happy. On the other that kind of makes me the bad guy? And now I’m going to eat it?

“I don’t want chickens that were dancing around the barnyard doing impromptu musical numbers. I want my meat miserable.”

Posh Ludlow butcher Norman Steele said: “This lovely cut of aged York ham comes from a year-old pig called Blackie, who was ever so friendly and used to snuffle acorns from your hand.

“He was almost like a person. It’s £60 for the whole shoulder.”

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Your guide to giving a bullshit business presentation

CALLED upon to give a presentation at work? Here’s how to hit the right note of business bullshit to drive the company drones wild. 

Kick off with an abysmal joke

A forced reference to something in the news is good, or a lame quip about office life like ‘I’ll keep this short because I know you’re all desperate for the pub!’ when you work on an out-of-town business park, the nearest pub is 20 minutes drive away and everyone hates each other.

Give the audience eye-strain

Each PowerPoint slide should be so information-rich it’s impossible to take in if you’re not Data from Star Trek. If you suffer migraines just putting your presentation together, you’re on the right track.

Include a nonsensical business theory 

Be sure to mention ‘virtuous cycles’ or ‘SWOT analysis’. Or just make up your own vapid business concept, eg. ‘P.E.A.S theory’ – ‘Profit Equals Advanced Successfulness’. No one will notice.

Make simple things stupidly complicated

Use hideously complicated diagrams, so that a 20-box flow chart in a forest of arrows and jargon words like ‘process’ and ‘feedback’ actually just represents Iain talking to Shelley about whether to order more Post-it notes.

Read out every number

Presenting financial information? Read out all the figures. Human beings love to hear a long series of unmemorable numbers and will gladly miss lunch for it.

Use a convoluted metaphor 

Make your point with a metaphor about marketing’s ROI being like ‘trekking through the jungle’. Forget what the rope bridge represents. Get hopelessly confused about who the crocodiles and lions are. Make everyone deeply uncomfortable with your clip art of cannibals.