Moving house is too much hassle, and other crap reasons not to dump your partner

DISSATISFIED with your partner and vaguely thinking about breaking up with them? Here are some crap reasons to convince yourself to stay:

Moving house is a massive hassle

On the one hand, being free from the drudgery of your stale, loveless relationship would be great. On the other, you’d have to box up seven years of accumulated crap and find a new house to put it in. Avoiding the faff wins out over the escaping the joyless misery every time.

You’d have to make new friends

By now you’ve been going out for so long you don’t have separate friends, just a bunch of other couples who do everything together. If you broke up with your partner, they’d get the sympathy and therefore the friends, and you’ve long since lost the knack of making new ones.

Trying to meet someone else would be a pain in the arse

You met your partner the old-fashioned way: getting shitfaced in a pub, awkwardly hooking up after a bit, and staying with them until they became an overfamiliar drain on your happiness. But you don’t fancy the terror of online dating, so you may as well stay with this person you hate forever.

You’d have to look after your appearance

You’ve been in your current relationship for so long that your standards have completely slipped and you don’t give a shit. You don’t need to attract anyone new so you wear a pair of stained trackie bottoms to Tesco and don’t give it a second thought. If you started seeing someone else you’d have to try quite hard to not look like a disgusting slob all the time.

They’d get the dog

Your partner technically owns the dog, in that they had it before you met and pay all the vet bills, but you love that animal with every fibre of your being. You might as well stay with your partner until it dies, even if that might be another 10 miserable years.

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MPs once again excitedly clapping for someone they won't help

MPs have recaptured their 2020 lockdown high of frenziedly applauding someone they will offer no material aid to.

Members of parliament who missed the hypocritical buzz of clapping for the NHS while freezing their pay really enjoyed clapping Ukraine’s President Zelensky yesterday while he pleaded for help they will not give.

Denys Finch Hatton, Conservative MP for Huntingdon, said: “Whoa. Really riding that empty posturing rush.

“I’ve missed it. I tried going along and clapping the English National Opera the same day I cut their funding by £20 million, but it just didn’t give me the endorphins.

“It really needs to be public. You need the eyes of the world on you as you clap, beaming proudly, everyone knowing that your support begins and ends with rhythmically banging your hands together.

“Honestly I feared it was gone forever. But after Zelensky did his marvellous Churchill speech and we gave him a standing ovation, knowing that we weren’t lifting one finger, I was high as a f**king kite.”

He added: “Maybe we could do a ‘clap for pensioners who can’t heat their homes’ this winter? Just throwing ideas out there.”