New dating app matches couples based on correct grammar usage

A NEW dating app matches couples entirely based on correct grammar usage in written communications. 

Grammarian does not allow users to look at photographs of each other or share personal information, instead focusing on exchanging long and impeccably-composed messages with unimpeachable grammar and no spelling errors.

21-year-old Grace Wood-Morris said: “The number of times I’ve fallen for a set of delicious abdominals only to find the mind attached can’t tell the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’.

“Indeed, often they are unable to recognise that there is a difference. It makes the subsequent sex so hollow and unsatisfying.

“On Grammarian, I’m currently 145-messages deep with a gentleman who never splits infinitives or allows a run-on sentence. I have never in my life been so aroused.”

Founder Denys Finch Hatton said: “If you’re into grammar it doesn’t matter if you’re with a Playboy bunny, the moment she texts ‘Me and Brandi want a threesome’ instead of ‘Brandi and I’, you’ve lost your erection for life.

“Personally I think these people are sick, sick perverts, but their money’s good.”

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112-year-old woman claims secret to long life is knowing the difference between 'Reply' and 'Reply All'

BRITAIN’S oldest woman has put her longevity down to knowing the difference between clicking ‘Reply’ or ‘Reply All’ when answering an email.

Margaret Gerving, who recently celebrated her 112th birthday, told her local newspaper that she has never confused the two and that the resulting lack of stress has likely bolstered her immune system.

She continued:“I’ve never gone in for eating healthy or avoiding alcohol. The only thing that’s has helped me survive this long is that, unlike all my contemporaries who have passed away, I’ve always understood that ‘reply all’ will go to everyone.

“Never once have I sent an email slagging off Jeff for nicking sandwiches from meeting rooms and it’s gone to the entire office and got me a verbal warning.

“If HR emails saying that people are using too much bog roll and you need a special dispensation because of your IBS, the right click keeps it private and add years to your life.

“Frankly anyone who doesn’t understand that by now doesn’t deserve their telegram from the Queen. An early death will be a mercy.”