New dating trend is never actually meeting any of them

THE hot new dating trend is to endlessly f**k around on apps and never actually go on any dates with anybody, it has emerged.

Single people who have been on dates and found them to be dispiriting, crushing experiences leaving you feeling even more lonely and alienated have decided to keep the whole romance and companionship thing on their phones.

Lucy Parry of Hounslow said: “Have you ever been on a date? They’re f**king awful even if you don’t sleep with the guy.

“Anyone who seems to have potential on the app turns out to have no hair, odour issues, an ex they’re obsessed with to the point of stalking, or quite simply be duller than shit. It’s a problem.

“Then one day I was flicking between browsing Bumble and browsing Boohoo and I realised that, just like I never buy the clothes because they’re shit when they arrive, the same goes for dates.

“No more dates for me. I’ll flirt online, form a deep emotional connection online, start to find fault online and fall out of love online, eschewing the IRL part entirely. It’s the future of relationships.”

Online dater Oli O’Connor agreed: “You should never meet people. It’s always a let-down. If my parents hadn’t met I’d never have been born, and every girl I’ve ever dated says that would have been better.”

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We need a big house because we've got a lifetime of shit, explain grandparents

GRANDPARENTS have explained to their children that they cannot sell up and give them all their money because they own so much crap.

Retirees Helen and Roy Archer say that, rather than being selfish boomers unwilling to make way for a younger generation, they just have a lifetime’s worth of precious belongings that take up a lot of space.

Helen Archer said: “We need this huge five-bedroom house for all of our essentials. For example, what will I do if I have to slice a boiled egg and I haven’t got a drawer in the kitchen containing three separate tools dedicated to that task?

“The spare bedrooms are necessary to store 14 old pairs of curtains that we’ll never use again but won’t get rid of, as well as the combined cassette and record player hi-fi that become obsolete in 1990.

“And that’s without mentioning the large box of napkins taken from restaurants and an astonishing amount of low-quality items bought from pound shops because they’re such great value. Why take what little happiness we have away? People are so cruel to the elderly.”

Roy Archer said: “Actually we’d love to live in a minimalist utopia, but the kids keep hinting about money for a house deposit so we need all this tat to throw them off the scent. It’s worked so far.”