New grandparents can't wait to start undoing all parents' hard work

THE proud grandparents of a newborn baby cannot wait to get started undermining all his parents’ hard work in every way possible. 

Joseph and Anne Turner have been longing for a grandchild ever since they realised it would mean all the good parts of kids with none of the crushing responsibility.

Anne said: “My son and his wife have clearly thought long and hard about how to raise a stable, well-adjusted child through gentle discipline and clear boundaries, and we’re really looking forward to fucking all that up.

“We’ll begin by waking the baby up whenever we fancy, and then it’ll be ice-cream for dinner, pints of Coke, bedtime as late as they like. They’ll go home knackered and screaming but that’s not our problem.

“Christmas presents? Massive, ill-conceived and requiring a day of construction. Positive reinforcement? Ignored. They get a big cuddle from Granny as a reward for being bad.

“All the strict rules my son remembers from his childhood? Out the window. They’ll beg to come here while treating their parents like vicious dictators for asking them to brush their teeth.

“Honestly, it’ll almost make having bloody kids in the first place worth it.”

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Schools to finish Friday lunchtime then work to finish Friday lunchtime then whole system to collapse

SCHOOLS finishing on Friday lunchtime could lead to jobs finishing on Friday lunchtime then capitalism collapsing entirely, experts have warned. 

The announcement by underfunded schools, all by coincidence in areas which never vote Tory, that they will send children home at 12.45pm on Friday is expected to lead to full communism within a year.

Political scientist Helen Archer said: “Someone has to look after the kids, so workplaces will let employees leave if they’ve done all Friday’s work in the morning. Which they will, because nobody works Friday afternoon.

“For the jealous fathers and non-parents left behind in the office suddenly Fridays won’t be fun, so they’ll invent some spurious reason and offices will close completely.

“Then schools will close Thursdays, then offices will, then Wednesdays, until finally everyone’s working one day a week and getting the same amount done and capitalism disintegrates under the weight of its own contradictions.

“Theresa May will be remembered as the heroine who freed the wage slaves for a life of leisure, play and untrammelled joy. Songs will be sung to her each Friday at noon.”

Archer added: “Unless you’ve got a proper job making things or in a shop. Then your children will roam free in feral packs.”