Nobody trusts couple who do everything together

A COUPLE who spend all their free time together enjoying the same things have ‘something wrong with them’, according to friends. 

Joseph Turner and Helen Archer have been together for four years and their easy closeness has become a growing source of fear and suspicion for anyone who encounters them.

Friend Mary Fisher said: “They turned up at my barbecue on bikes. Both of them. Together. Looking over the fence. Smiling at each other. It’s fucking creepy.

“And it’s not just cycling. She loves the Marvel movies now and he’s as passionate about upcycling vintage furniture as she ever was. They go to antiques fairs together even though that’d be the perfect opportunity for one to stay at home.

“They never slag each other even when you get them alone, they never row. I wouldn’t be surprised if they still had sex.

“Honestly, it’s like they don’t even want to leave separate lives.”

Neighbour Wayne Hayes commented: “I hear them through the wall, cooking together. Eating together. Washing up together.

“It’s like they get a kick out of being together even when no one’s watching.”

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Why watching snooker all day is better than a spa weekend

THE snooker’s on and some people claim it’s a complete waste of time, but they’re full of shit. Here’s five reasons why watching snooker is better for the soul than some fucking spa weekend surrounded by twats.

Snooker is good for your brain: All those complicated sums and angles will make you feel like a half-human, half-computer super-being of the future.

The hushed commentary is like an ASMR video. You are floating on a cushion of pure thought.

The referee’s white gloves and the attention he plays to cleaning the balls make Marie Condo look like Compo from Last of the Summer Wine.

The players’ nicknames are works of art. The Whirlwind, The Rocket, The Sheriff of Pottingham and the Toast of Tavistock. Poet warriors battling in a Crucible. It truly is a magical kingdom.

The opening titles are sexy. All those bad-ass rock notes, all that spurting paint. It’s enough to give you an erection.