Saturday, 18th January 2020

Nobody trusts couple who do everything together

A COUPLE who spend all their free time together enjoying the same things have ‘something wrong with them’, according to friends. 

Joseph Turner and Helen Archer have been together for four years and their easy closeness has become a growing source of fear and suspicion for anyone who encounters them.

Friend Mary Fisher said: “They turned up at my barbecue on bikes. Both of them. Together. Looking over the fence. Smiling at each other. It’s fucking creepy.

“And it’s not just cycling. She loves the Marvel movies now and he’s as passionate about upcycling vintage furniture as she ever was. They go to antiques fairs together even though that’d be the perfect opportunity for one to stay at home.

“They never slag each other even when you get them alone, they never row. I wouldn’t be surprised if they still had sex.

“Honestly, it’s like they don’t even want to leave separate lives.”

Neighbour Wayne Hayes commented: “I hear them through the wall, cooking together. Eating together. Washing up together.

“It’s like they get a kick out of being together even when no one’s watching.”