Not having your own side of the bed, and other unhinged relationship behaviours

RELATIONSHIPS are largely arguments about chores, not having sex and staying together out of habit. But this out-there shit is the province of true freaks: 

Not having a specific side of the bed

These couples might as well sleep atop precipices for how much they live on the f**king edge. How can they rest at night without the security of their own pile of bedside crap? Why add an extra administrative decision to the end of your day? What if you roll the wrong way and fall off?

Witnessing each other shit

Some say true intimacy is familiarising yourself with your partner’s every bodily fluid. But choosing to observe the end process of another human’s digestive function should be reserved for the medical profession. How do you look your lover in the eye when you’ve seen their dumping face?

Joint social media profiles

The hallmark of people whose only personality trait is being in a relationship. Couples who do this are announcing that they have collapsed into each other, creating a single ultra-bland entity. No-one wants a Facebook message from a hive mind.

Kissing the dog more than each other

Couples who still kiss are weird; couples who kiss in front of others even more so. But compared to having a canine rub its saliva over both your faces? Most long-term relationships would be happy with a few date nights. These couples are on the verge of a bestial threesome.

Wearing matching outfits

Why spend all of your life developing a sense of style only to abandon it? There is no good reason for two adults to coordinate like life-size dolls unless they’re entering a contest for most effort wasted on most pointless bullshit. Especially if it’s matching pyjamas on Instagram.

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Preston supporter stresses his hatred of Blackpool is non-homophobic

A PRESTON North End supporter has stressed his enduring hatred of Blackpool FC has nothing to do with its pioneering out gay player.

Die-hard Lilywhites fan Wayne Hayes backs Jake Daniels coming out, and is going out of his way to tell people it is unrelated to his continued loathing of his club’s Lancashire rivals.

Hayes said: “A 17-year-old coming out and single-handedly becoming the face of the LGBT community in UK football is undeniably impressive. It’s hardly my fault he plays for scum.

“My contempt for Blackpool goes back generations, and it’ll take more than a striker embracing his true identity to bridge that divide. I hate everything about the bastard Donkey Lashers, apart from the one minor issue of one player’s sexual orientation.

“I’ll still shower the players with an abusive chant come the next heated M55 derby, but I’ll wave a little Pride flag while I sing it so Jake knows I’m on his side off the pitch. But f**k him when he’s on it.

“We football fans can be a surprisingly progressive bunch once we put our tribal differences aside. He’ll be welcomed with open arms. As long as the prick doesn’t f**king score.”