How to be a f**king annoying passenger on a car journey

NOT content with reclining in the passenger seat while someone else does all the work? Here’s how to be so irritating they drive into a tree: 

You are the in-car DJ

Come prepared with a playlist or several. If the car has a CD player, bring a stack of CDs to clatter. Focus on only playing music you enjoy, no matter how unsuitable. Then sulk when the driver switches to Magic FM an hour into your musical journey of abstract Bjork remixes, Mike and the Mechanics deep cuts and Napalm Death’s more accessible stuff.

Be a hindsight driver

You’re not in control, so you don’t have to live by the relentless pace of the roads. Give advice when you’re good and ready, like ‘You should have passed that caravan back there, before this narrow bit’ and ‘that was our junction, didn’t you realise?’

Explore the wonderland of motorway services

When the driver needs a piss, seize your chance. After all you’ve been bored for hours. Consume a massive Cumberland sausage meal, have a go on the fruit machines in Lucky Coin and browse WHSmith at length. You have now added an hour and 15 minutes to a six-hour journey to Glasgow. Get back in the car and have a little sleep.

Be moody

If your partner is driving, the confines of a car are ideal for simmering tension. Be awkward, grumpy and monosyllabic. At a confusing and crucial roundabout, reveal you’ve been brooding over the shittest grievance ever: ‘You never bought me those jeans you promised me four years ago!’

Eat throughout

Every year, millions of people starve to death on two-hour journeys. Well they don’t, but they act like they do. Buy way too many crisps, sweets and sugary drinks. The constant crunching, sucking and rustling of wrappers should be so distracting the driver almost hits an HGV and wouldn’t care if they had if it stopped you slobbering like a dog.

Need the toilet

Brush off reminders to have a wee before you set off, resulting in a tense detour to find somewhere to relieve yourself in a built-up area. Ignoring advice a four-year-old can grasp will make even the most caring partner want to throw you from a moving vehicle.

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Grey squirrels voted UK's cutest vermin

THE grey squirrel has topped a poll to find the country’s cutest vermin that should be exterminated, closely followed by moles.

Despite being colonialist invaders responsible for the genocide of the UK’s indigenous red squirrel population, they are still regarded as cute because they sit up and nibble nuts with their little paws, which is just adorable.

Gardener James Bates said: “They dig up bulbs and eat them, they destroy young plants, and if you’re growing strawberries they’ll have the lot. But because they’ve got big fluffy tails they get away with it.

“Moles are right twats if you’ve got a lawn, but apparently the public regard them as velvet-coated short-sighted country gentlemen. They only came second because they eat nasty worms and slugs not neat little nuts.

“I want them all dead. But apparently that makes me the bad guy.”

Town dweller Lucy Parry said: “Aw, squirrels are charming! They’re delightful to see in a tree, climbing along, so resourceful and fun.

“Rats only appeal to goths. The pigeon fanbase is just old people who feed them bread like they’re Christ feeding the five thousand. And the most loathsome vermin of all are in government.”