'Oh f*ck, this is a date' realises woman having drinks with man

A WOMAN having drinks with a man has abruptly realised the evening was intended as a date.

Jane Thomson, currently hiding in the toilets, said: “It was all going fine for the first couple of drinks. Then he said he was so happy I’d finally agreed to go on a date with him.

“F*ck. I was so sure that he knew I just wanted to be friends. Fifteen minutes ago I was openly admiring another man’s arse.”

Thomson’s date Will McKay said: “I realised that her intentions were purely platonic about two seconds after I told her how happy I was.

“So that’s that f*cked.”

Neither Thomson or McKay have had the courage to talk about the misunderstanding and are both pretending to be excited about getting drinks again next week.

Man's pockets just filthy bins

A MAN uses his pockets exclusively as a place to store his rubbish.

Tom Logan’s trouser pockets currently contain assorted stale food, a crushed juice box, a condom wrapper and six toenail clippings.

Logan said: “I just don’t see what else I would use them for. They’re pretty much tiny bags, and I often have tiny rubbish to dispose of.

“Do you think people had mobile phones in the 1950s? No, they didn’t. So what were their pockets for?”

Girfriend Emma Bradford added: “The used tissues are the worst. A couple of time I almost vomitted.”