'Oh f**k, this is a date' realises woman having drinks with man

A WOMAN having drinks with a man has abruptly realised the evening was intended as a date.

Jane Thomson, currently hiding in the toilets, said: “It was all going fine for the first couple of drinks. Then he said he was so happy I’d finally agreed to go on a date with him.

“F**k. I was so sure that he knew I just wanted to be friends. Fifteen minutes ago I was openly admiring another man’s arse.”

Thomson’s date Will McKay said: “I realised that her intentions were purely platonic about two seconds after I told her how happy I was.

“So that’s that f**ked.”

Neither Thomson or McKay have had the courage to talk about the misunderstanding and are both pretending to be excited about getting drinks again next week.

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Man's pockets just filthy bins

A MAN uses his pockets exclusively as a place to store his rubbish.

Tom Logan’s trouser pockets currently contain assorted stale food, a crushed juice box, a condom wrapper and six toenail clippings.

Logan said: “I just don’t see what else I would use them for. They’re pretty much tiny bags, and I often have tiny rubbish to dispose of.

“Do you think people had mobile phones in the 1950s? No, they didn’t. So what were their pockets for?”

Girfriend Emma Bradford added: “The used tissues are the worst. A couple of time I almost vomitted.”