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On a National Express coach, and other times you'll regret illicit sex acts

EVERYONE agrees sex in forbidden places is incredibly thrilling. However some locations may make you wish you’d stuck with your bed. Like these.

At your mate’s house while they’ve popped out

Having a shag at your mate’s place is exciting until he returns earlier than expected and is deeply displeased to find you rubbing your genitals all over his new sofa, which now has a large wet patch. Would it help if you offered to buy him a new washing-up sponge?

Being wanked off on a National Express coach

Long and boring coach journeys can be livened up by a wank, and it’s particularly tempting when other passengers are dozing off. Your partner may even suggest it just for something to do. However being caught is still mortifying and you could find yourselves kicked off at Digbeth Coach station, which frankly isn’t worth it for an orgasm. Obviously you could just shag in the coach toilet, but you don’t want PTSD.

A knee-trembler on a charity fun run

Inadvisable unless you’re a super-fit running nutter, because you’ll be too knackered later in the run and if you do it early on you’ve still got four miles to go while feeling – hopefully – a bit drained. There’s also potential shame at succumbing to your sordid urges during a wholesome fundraising event to help children in hospital. Pudsey Bear is sickened by you.

Banging a colleague in the store room on their last day of work

It’s a cliché, but who cares if you’re getting unexpected sex after a boozy leaving do? Sadly it may turn out to be the most difficult sex you’ve ever had due to the lack of a suitable surface to lean on and the unerotic backdrop of hundreds of biros and pairs of scissors. And if another colleague walks in you will forever be known as the person who shagged in the store room because nothing interesting ever happens at your company. Which you are not leaving.

Heavy petting at a gig

A dark gig with a loud sound system might seem ideal for obscuring sexual activity and drowning out enthusiastic sounds. However the venue’s security might not agree and you’ll find yourself taking the walk of shame out of the arena. Which is ridiculous because sex is rock-and-roll so you’d think they’d encourage it, like at Woodstock. Apparently not at a Lana Del Rey gig.

In a multi-story car park lift

Full marks for thrill-seeking in this impractical and high-risk location. Your best bet is to park on the highest level and be ready to go as soon as the lift doors close, but maybe don’t attempt it on a busy Saturday when everyone’s out shopping. Generally you don’t want your sex tape to be CCTV footage shown in court on a charge of public indecency.

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Why my parents should lose their home instead of rich people paying tax. By a Sun reader

AFTER reading The Sun I agree my parents should be forced to sell their home to pay for old age care instead of funding it through tax. Here’s how the billionaire-owned tabloid convinced me.

It’s bad for hard-working families

Burnham’s tax hurts hard-working families because it costs them money. It did cross my mind that they’d probably like to inherit their parents’ valuable houses, but the Sun had a badly photoshopped picture of Burnham looking devious in a graveyard. That’s good enough for me.

A lot of rich people don’t pay tax anyway

The Sun is so right to point this out. Lots of rich people avoid paying tax by offshoring their cash or other ploys, and Burnham can’t touch their money. So by wanting to tax them, Burnham is to blame for their selfish tax-dodging, and we shouldn’t do anything about it. You can’t fault that logic.

It’s good to hope your parents die

I’ll admit the current system is random and unfair when it comes to which families have to pay the full cost of old-age care. But I think it’s good to be made to hope your parents die sooner rather than later, rather than hanging on without much quality of life in a pricey care home. Out with the old, in with the new, as I say to Gran when we’re visiting Grandad’s grave.

Skivers will support Burnham’s tax

Skivers, which is people on benefits, will obviously support an estate tax because they’re skint and have nothing to lose. I agree with dividing people into skivers and strivers, because I’ve got a job. The fact that I’m a lazy f**k who slacks off at every opportunity doesn’t come into it.

We’d be f**ked without rich people

If we slightly increase tax on rich people they’ll all leave and Britain will be stuffed. That’s not just my opinion – it’s what every media outlet owned by rich people says. Where would we be without entrepreneurs who make money in the most obvious ways possible like buying properties and selling them at a profit or charging extortionate rents? You wouldn’t have a landlord to text to get your dangerous boiler fixed for a start!

Giving away money is worse for billionaires

If a billionaire has to give up a small part of their income it’s worse than for normal people. They’ve got higher overheads, like public schools and expensive flats in London for their kids. We’re actually lucky not to have their stressful lifestyle. Imagine how much a yacht costs. It would bloody bankrupt me!

Burnham’s a loony leftie

Burnham’s just a nutter, with his pie-in-the-sky socialist daydreams which other countries manage to achieve without much fuss. Thank God we’ve got newspapers like The Sun to put us right. Next he’ll be saying medical treatment should be free at the point-of-use. How the bloody hell would that work?

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