On-off couple just failing to meet anyone better

A LONG-TERM on-off couple have confirmed their intermittent relationship is not born of tempestuous love but an inability to find anyone better. 

While romantic fiction suggests that Lucy Parry and Jordan Gardner’s break-ups and reunions show they are meant to be together, the couple have admitted they are simply creating unattached intervals in which to meet other people.

Parry said: “Yeah, our friends think that our on-off relationship is because we’re fiery souls whose love sets us aflame yet sometimes burns too brightly. Actually we’re desperate.

“Every time we split it’s final and we’re both straight on the apps seeing if our market value’s risen since the last time. Every time, I remember nobody goes to the circus anymore because the freak show is on Tinder.

“Seriously it’s like swiping through a police line-up, all of men who are up for sex but ‘not looking for anything serious right now’ or ‘have to focus on harmonica practice’ or become ghosts. So I go back to Jordan because at least he texts back and gives head.”

Gardner agreed: “Our relationship is a torrid reunion, a period of complacency, then we both begin convincing ourselves the other one’s punching and we’d do great if we were only single. Split, rinse, repeat.

“Everyone’s seen so many rom-coms they’re convinced we’ll eventually realise we’re meant for each other and get married. We might. I hear hot women love a married guy.”

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Man struggling to find right work-skive balance

A MAN working a standard nine-to-five office job is finding it almost impossible to find the right ratio of working to doing f**k all.

Tom Booker spends every day, five days a week, balancing the needs and demands of his employer with looking up serial killers on Wikipedia, texting the group chat or simply fannying around in the Boots meal deal section for an hour.

He lamented: “I don’t know how other people do it. There never seem to be enough hours in the day. Sometimes I’m still on football forums at six o’clock.

“It’s not like I’m out to avoid all work, because without anything to do the day really drags. But if I do more than 20 minutes at a time I feel harassed, stressed and overwhelmed, and that’s terrible for my mental health.

“So still, every day, I’m opening spreadsheets or emailing clients then flicking over to TikTok or browsing eBay. I feel like I’m doing two jobs and neither of them well. Which is what my boss said about one of them.

“I’m going to spend all day today working out an hour-by-hour work-skive schedule, colour-coded, across the whole week so I can really get on top of this. With wanks in pink. Now that’s efficiency.”

Boss Donna Sheridan said: “Tom has requested Mondays and Fridays working from home. I’ve agreed. That’s two-fifths of the way to firing him.”