One half of every couple is hideously messy and one is a cleanliness fascist and that's just the way it is

ALL couples have one partner who is obsessively tidy and another who is disgustingly untidy and basically deal with it, researchers have found. 

A study of more than 3,000 couples found that the balance exists in every relationship so they may as well stop shouting at each other about closing doors or picking up socks and get on with it.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies said: “One half of every couple secretly wants to bundle their partner and every trace of their existence into a small, clearly labelled plastic storage box.

“They’re the ones furiously scrubbing microscopic dots of fruit juice off the kitchen table and gathering their beloved’s possessions and stacking them passive-aggressively on their side of the bed in a neat square.

“Meanwhile, the clutterblind partner will cheerfully say things like ‘Leave that Snickers, I’ve not finished it’ as they surf a bedroom floor covered in books, apple cores and discarded clothing.

“They will tidy up if someone is coming round, but this constitutes chucking things in a whirlwind motion into the nearest cupboard then leaning on the door until it stays shut.

“We speculate every couple has one of each type so that babies are neither tidied out of existence or lost in a tide of chargers and sun cream bottles.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Protesters no better than the 'thugs of the Bullingdon Club', says Johnson

BORIS Johnson has condemned the ‘thugs’ who have ‘subverted’ Black Lives Matter protests as ‘no better than the mindless vandals of the Bullingdon Club’. 

The prime minister has warned protestors that violent mobs smashing windows just for the transgressive thrill of it meet nasty ends, and he speaks from bitter experience.

He continued: “When I see these black-garbed youths wrecking the social contract by breaking anything they like, I feel sickened and nostalgic.

“Smashing up the place and spending a night in the cells may seem like a blow against the establishment, and indeed Daddy, but it’s neither clever nor politically wise.

“When these young black activists interview for a position at a leading blue-chip City brokerage they’ll be asked some pretty tough questions. And when they can’t answer them, as I couldn’t, they’ll have no option but boring old politics.

“Our country should be ashamed of these thugs and not make the mistakes of the past by electing them to Downing Street. They’ll only do the same to the country.”