Opposites attract, and other lies mismatched couples tell each other

CONSTANTLY clashing with your partner? Convince yourself that your differences are totally healthy with these lies:

Opposites attract

Just because one party is an adrenaline junkie who lives for adventure and the other a hermit who collects thimbles it doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a romantic relationship. That’s unless you actually plan on doing anything together, in which case you’ll quickly realise that the only thing opposites attract is heartbreak.

We balance each other out

This is a nice way of saying ‘We inhibit each other’s true selves’. By cancelling out the extremes of their personalities, mismatched couples quickly become a bland pairing of simmering resentment. Your relationship will last until the novelty of shagging each other wears off and one party upsets the balance by suggesting a threesome.

Variety is the spice of life

Another euphemism. This one means ‘This person is nothing like me but we’ve got a mortgage now and it would be too much hassle to separate’. Couples drop this phrase into polite conversation to mask the obvious cracks in their relationship, usually after their other half has done something embarrassing in public.

Compromise is normal

Good relationships are built on healthy give and take, but mismatched couples convince themselves that tense, drawn-out negotiations on where to go for a pint are entirely normal. Despite finding your day-to-day existence deeply tedious, you’ll both compromise your happiness and stay together for several decades.

Eventually we’ll agree

Clinging on to the vain hope that one day you’ll be on the same page is what keeps all mismatched relationships going. This is despite knowing that you disagree on everything from how to fold t-shirts to whether or not to get married. If it wasn’t so tragic, your commitment to self-delusion would be impressive.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Yes I breached social distancing guidance, says man caught balls-deep in wife's sister

A MAN caught fully giving it from behind to his sister-in-law has apologised for breaching social distancing guidelines before they are lifted on July 19. 

Nathan Muir was found banging his wife’s sister Ellie Shaw in the living room when his wife returned home early yesterday, and has conceded he should put their details into the NHS app.

He continued: “It’s perfectly fine for members of two different households to mix indoors. That’s been within government guidance since May 17th.

“But what Ellie and I forgot is that social distancing should have been maintained and a couple of windows opened if possible, though to be fair it was a cold day and we’d torn off each other’s clothes.

“Even though I’m double-jabbed Ellie isn’t, because she’s 10 years younger, so going at each other hammer-and-tongs without any attempt to distance at all was irresponsible.

“You are ‘advised to make a personal choice about whether to distance’, but I’m not trying to wriggle out of this. I’m no Cummings. Hands up, I did the wrong thing and I’m sorry.”