Opposites attract, says ugly optimist

AN unfortunate-faced man is convinced that he will nab himself a gorgeous, accomplished babe because he is none of those things.

Dreamer Stephen Malley, aged 26, who boasts a bald patch, a severe overbite and an impressive paunch, believes wholeheartedly that people who have nothing in common will naturally end up together.

He explained: “I’m no catch, so I imagine I’ll end up with a woman much like Angelina Jolie.

“Yes, I look 10 to 15 years older than my age, I’m short and hardly a charmer. Which makes it all the more likely that a gorgeous supermodel or sexy actress will walk into my local branch of Wetherspoons and fall for me.

“The laws of attraction are scientific and irrefutable. Beautiful women get bored of beauty, because they see it in the mirror all the time. I’m different. That’s irresistable.

“In fact the more faults I’ve got, the better the girlfriend I’ll pull. My skin’s bad? Hers will be flawless. I’m developing a gambling problem? She’ll be financially secure. I’m facing a ban for driving without tax or insurance? She’ll be whatever the opposite of that is.”

Friend Wayne Hayes said: “Right. So all these attractive, stable women who want nothing to do with Ste just aren’t quite opposite enough.”

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Eleven everyday annoyances that should have gone back to normal after Covid but didn't

COVID was an excellent excuse to make things a pain in the arse and conveniently fail to return them to normal. This stuff is just like that now: 

Seeing a GP

Used to be possible. Now still follows the same procedure, but face-to-face appointments no longer take place as doctors can’t risk seeing ill people. The receptionist tetchily offers a ten-minute phone consultation in late June?

Menus in restaurants

Scan this QR code to squint, depressed, at our menu on your phone! Because eating out is about having your phone out!

Excessive lead times

A conveyancer doing the searches to buy a flat used to take a fortnight. In lockdown it took ten weeks instead, and now this is the new normal. What are you going to do, go and get a f**king law degree?

Public toilets

Shut ‘due to Covid’ in 2020. Yet to reopen.

‘We are experiencing higher than average call volumes’ 

Painful before Covid, calling customer services to talk to an actual human is now a morning’s work and demands you listen to no less than seven messages suggesting you use their website. Amazingly, in the year 2023, you’d already tried that.

Libraries opening for four hours a day

The council shut your library during lockdown, and has barely reopened it. They do, however, appear keen to talk to a building contractor who specialises in converting nice old buildings into lovely expensive flats.

Bike lanes

Half the road has disappeared behind new bike lanes because during Covid the middle-classes enjoyed leisurely bike rides. You’ve not seen anyone in the bike lane since, but you have scraped your car on the barriers twice.

Going to A&E

Fallen off your roof? Need medical help? Contemplating A&E? You think you’ll get an ambulance? You think you’ll see anyone within 36 hours? Nah. Do the sensible thing and simply fashion a splint using tights and a chairleg.

Train timetables

Operating at levels of service not seen since 1860, your train timetable is a work of utopian fiction. Quicker and more reliable to travel by canal.

Emailing receipts

We’ve gone paper-free. Do you have an email address for us to email your receipt? Would you like to be on yet another marketing mailing list when the receipt never actually arrives anyway?

NHS waiting lists

You need a hip replacement? Two? That’s unfortunate. You are currently 80,000th on the waiting list, based on your cost-effectiveness.