Out-of-character things your boyfriend does when he's after a shag

IS your boyfriend behaving in an insultingly ingratiating way, like a salesman for something regrettable? He wants sex. Watch for these signs: 

He pays attention

Normally when you talk about your day you’re somehow aware of your boyfriend scanning his mind for a distraction, possibly something to do with buying lager or being Thor. But now he’s making eye contact and even resisting the urge to let his gaze drift chestward. Make the most of it and luxuriate in the dullest minutiae, eg. the shop had sold out of tuna sandwiches, incredibly.

He buys you a gift

Gifts from your boyfriend are usually restricted to traditional celebratory events, but for some reason he’s bought you a nice bunch of flowers and told you he was thinking about you. Whether those thoughts will be translated into action after an extra-large pizza, dough balls and several cans of Grolsch is anyone’s guess.

He attempts housework

For somebody who meticulously organises his Fantasy Football team, your boyfriend is useless at tidying. So when he attempts household chores without being prompted, you know there’s sinister Peter Mandelson-style scheming behind it. But to be honest you not having to remove a year of nasty little stale crumbs and the odd mummified prawn from down the sofa is not a bad deal. 

He remembers things

By some miraculous feat of memory your boyfriend now knows not only the date of your anniversary, but even the day you first ‘made love’. It’s creepy but also romantic, in an obsessive, stalkerish way. However you also remember it being shit, so maybe tonight’s the night not for love but to find out if Succession really merits an article a day about it in the Guardian.

He tries to act like a gentleman

The most gentlemanly thing your boyfriend has ever done is hold your hair back while you’re throwing up in the loo, so when he holds a door open and ushers you through first you know which part of his body is doing the thinking. He may be so desperate he suggests visiting your parents, but there’s no need for outright sadism so just shag him.

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Man honestly thinks he would have got that job if he'd been black

A MAN is not letting his belief that he did not get a job due to his skin colour be affected by a total lack of evidence.

After missing out in the final round of interviews, Martin Bishop is convinced that being Caucasian meant he did not ‘tick the right boxes’ for a prized sales rep job in Luton.

Bishop said: “There’s only one reason I didn’t get that job – I’m not sufficiently ‘woke’ in my skin pigmentation. 

“These days if you’re black you’ve got a free pass. That’s the real racism. You only have to look at sport. Tiger Woods. Kelly Holmes. Er, Daley Thompson. D’you think Lewis Hamilton would have got where he is if he hadn’t been black? 

“I could drive just as fast as him. Faster probably, if it wasn’t for all these bloody speed bumps. They’ve even got them outside schools now. What message is that sending out to underprivileged white kids?”

Bishop dismissed the fact that the successful applicant for the job, Nathan Muir, was also white and no black applicants had been shortlisted.

He said: “That’s not the point. If I was black I’d have got the job. Perhaps I should have turned up in blackface but apparently that’s ‘offensive’ now. You could not make it up.”