Overconfident man not taking being dumped personally

A MAN blessed with excessive self-confidence has no idea that he has been dumped because of his awful personality.

Ryan Whittaker remained in good spirits while being chucked because his self-assuredness has blinded him to the possibility that he is an intolerable dickhead.

Ex-girlfriend Lucy Parry said: “I’ve never met a man who actually believed ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ before.

“I expected Ryan to at least frown when I told him I thought we should see other people. Instead he leant back in his chair, let out a hearty laugh and said it sounded like a ‘sick idea’.

“He was still unflustered when I talked about the reasons for our breakup, all of which centred around his deep character flaws. In fact he was checking out his reflection in the window.

“I even wrote down his worst qualities in bullet points and asked him to read them back to me, which he did in a weirdly proud way like he was reciting the names of expensive drinks he could easily afford on a wine menu.”

Whittaker said: “Lucy’s a great chick but due to, I dunno, Covid and our different values we mutually decided to call it a day. It’s fate I guess?”

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For f**k's sake, can't you dickheads keep a disastrous policy in place long enough for me to slag it off?

by Sir Keir Starmer, QC

OH FOR f**k’s sake. I had the press releases about betraying a generation of children ready to go. I’d rehearsed my anger. I was booked on breakfast TV. 

There was at least three days worth of political capital in this fiasco. Our people thought I could ride it right through GCSE results to the Sunday papers.

And then, like the bunch of craven f**king cowards you are, you cave in, announce an immediate U-turn and make it all about your incompetence before I can lay a finger on you.

It’s my own fault. I believed you. When that twat Williamson said ‘No U-turns, no change’ on telly on Saturday I thought it would last at least five days.

I was rubbing my hands together, like a dickhead. I though finally I’d be able to land some blows without you collapsing completely before I get near.

But I overestimated you again. One word from that blonde wanker who didn’t want his holiday disturbed and it’s U-turn and government humiliation and I’m standing here like a spare prick at a wedding.

Yeah yeah, all the headlines are about how shit you are. But there’s no mention of how great I am. Even when it comes to being hopeless f**k-ups, you get all the credit.

Ah well. There’ll be another massive cock-up along within a fortnight. All I ask is can you please give me 48 hours to get the boot in this time?