Parents of fresher f**king way more than he is

THE parents of an 18-year-old who has left home for university are shagging way much more than he could ever hope to be.

Donna Sheridan and husband Tom say their virtually extinct sex life has sprung back to life now they no longer have a sulking teenager hanging about the house.

Donna said: “Say what you like about the wonder of having kids but there’s no denying they kill your sex life for two decades.

“We tried a bit when he was little but they quickly reach an age where you can’t get away with saying ‘Mummy and daddy are playing a wrestling game’ when they walk into the bedroom when you’re at it hammer and tongs.

“So we basically gave up until now, when it’s on tap whenever we feel like it. Which is pretty much constantly.”

Oliver said: “I thought uni would be one long screwfest. It’s the only reason I came here as I’ve got no real interest in my poxy geography degree.

“I couldn’t have been more wrong. If I can’t finally get laid during Freshers’ Fortnight I might as well pack it in and join a f**king monastery.”

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Country Britain dumped the EU for not interested

THE USA, the country that Britain ended its relationship with the EU to get an amazing trade deal with, is no longer into the idea. 

Britain has turned up in America, excited and breathless about having severed all ties with the EU completely down to not even being in a customs union with them anymore, only to find the US has moved on.

Trade secretary Liz Truss said: “What the hell? After that nightmare break-up, they’re not even bothered? They can’t do this.

“All through those post-referendum years it was all flirting about how great Britain was, not like those liberal Europeans. I mean we were being given clear signals. That’s why we rushed things.

“Now suddenly we come over here gagging for that sweet free trade action, having completely stamped all over what was looking back quite a happy relationship, and it’s just ‘No’?

“They won’t even let us in their group chat with Canada and Mexico. They said it ‘just wouldn’t be our thing’ and ‘they really want to explore their Latin American links right now’.

“Oh God we can’t beg Europe to take us back. Not after everything we’ve said. That would be so unbearably humiliating.”