Pissing with the door open, and other signs you're too comfortable in your relationship

STOPPED giving a shit about retaining dignity in your relationship? Here are five signs you’re far too comfortable:

Performative farting

Moving beyond discrete farting into not being embarrassed to let one rip is a natural part of any relationship. However, if you find yourself trying to fart the alphabet for your partner’s entertainment it won’t be long before you suddenly realise you haven’t had sex for 18 months.

Always having 85 per cent of your attention on your phone

There’s no point in actively listening to your other half, as you know that the only three topics of conversation they have are house prices, Eastenders and Lisa from work with the annoying laugh. You know exactly when to nod and can devote the rest of your attention to Stardew Valley.

Only commenting on your partner’s flaws

Offering compliments is an important part of showing your partner you appreciate them. If you only rouse yourself to comment on their appearance when you notice a juicy whitehead on the back of their neck, you’ve moved beyond physical attraction into quasi-sibling roles where shagging each other would feel uncomfortably incestuous.

Never looking in the mirror

It’s important to make an effort with your appearance so that your partner still fancies you. If you look in the mirror for the first time in three days to discover a crust of sleepy drool on your chin, greasy hair and an outfit made up of pyjama bottoms and a droopy cardigan covered in last night’s carbonara, you’ve given up caring about your relationship.

Pissing with the door open

If you find yourself chatting with your partner through an open bathroom door whilst simultaneously pissing like a shire horse, you are too deep in the cosy rut of monogamy. Maybe start a destructive love affair with a colleague to spice things up a bit.

Seven things I hate about modern football, by a gammon

THE Premier League returns this weekend. Fan Normal Steele explains why the game was so much better when he was a lad:

Footballers’ names

Footballers used to have normal, old fashioned names, such as Nobby, Bobby and Ron. Now the England team is full of names I don’t understand, like Jordan, Tyrone and Marcus. And don’t even get me started on Raheem.

Too many foreign countries

You used to know where you stood. Half the world map was pink, and the rest was the Soviet Union, Yugoslavia and Czechoslovakia. Now you can’t even remember which country your new striker is from. Why does there need to be a Slovenia and a Slovakia, anyway? It’s confusing.

Colours not found in nature

Everything’s gone fluorescent yellow: boots, referees’ shirts, police jackets. What’s wrong with good old black? I expect it’s because the woke lefties who’ve infiltrated everything will get upset by it.

Smooth pitches

Back in the day, a player would round the keeper, tap the ball towards the empty net and turn away to celebrate. But the ball would stop on the goal line because rain had turned that little patch of mud into Lake Windermere. That’s real football.

Social media

Your club signs a promising young player, but then some snowflake gets offended by a tweet from five years ago that suggested the Nazis had a strong work ethic. You’re kicked out of the cup, and your manager’s forced to humiliatingly take the knee at a press conference. The game’s gone.

Sponsors

Years ago, the pitch was surrounded by hoardings advertising local tile merchants, haulage firms and breweries. These days it’s those electronic ones flashing something distracting in Chinese, Thai or Russian. I don’t know which, they all look the bloody same.

Footballers look too young

Footballers used to look like grown men, thanks to moustaches, chain smoking and spending the off-season working as a mercenary in Zimbabwe. Or because they were Scottish. Now they get their hair cut every day, eat salad and exfoliate, so they all look about 14.