IF she’s a serious actress in highbrow movies? Then your wife sanctions and allows your crush because it shows your discerning taste in women. All these are permitted:
Rachel Weisz
A timeless beauty, the fact she’s in her 50s and graduated from Cambridge suggests you’re a sapiosexual attracted to intellect. Admittedly intellect prepackaged in a hot lady. You definitely would mention the Oscar for whatever it was, wouldn’t mention the lesbian scenes in Disobedience, and wouldn’t have any chance because Daniel Craig.
Carey Mulligan
Softly spoken, clever and an all around nice girl. So middle class that she married a Mumford, the human equivalent of Farrow & Ball Elephant’s Breath. Your wife nods at approvingly because it says ‘I value understated elegance’, not ‘I have a secret Instagram which follows large-bosomed Brazilian models’. She knows about that, by the way.
Adele
That you find Adele attractive – and have throughout, even in the pre-Ozempic days – shows you are a sensitive man who listens to women, who sees them for their authentic selves, who cares about who they are inside. Your crush is sanctioned because it shows she chose the right man. Your actual fantasies about Adele remain wisely unspoken.
Keira Knightley
Period dramas, sharp cheekbones and a permanent association with literary adaptations. You’d do Keira nightly. You frame this as loving ‘that classical English rose look’. You particularly enjoy learning more about psychoanalysis through studying A Dangerous Method. Yes, that is the one where she’s spanked.
Pamela Anderson
Not in her 90s heyday, when it would have made you boorish, and certainly not because you have multiple sex tapes of her with tattooed hair metal stars saved in a password-protected folder on a networked hard drive. No, it’s because she seems nice and is now a feminist hero thanks to her no make-up rule. Never mind all those Playboy shoots.
Thandiwe Newton
Stylish, articulate and thoughtful in interviews, like the Graham Norton one about her being pro-pubic hair. This is a high credit crush, signalling taste. She’d adore you back if ever she happened to visit Nuneaton. For some reason, your wife seems confident neither of those things will ever happen.
