subscribe
/ Sign Out

Relaxed woman cool with boyfriend having fat female friends

A CHILLED-OUT girlfriend has no concerns about her boyfriend socialising with other women, as long as they are four sizes larger than her.

Lucy Parry has confirmed that her boyfriend Tom Logan is free to be friends with any female he likes, provided they have a BMI of 30 or above.

Parry said: “I’m absolutely not a jealous type at all. When he mentions a new female friend I’ll say ‘Oh, great. What does she do? What are her hobbies? Why don’t you show me a photo of her right this f**king second?’

“I absolutely agree with the notion that men and women can be platonic friends. As long as that woman is someone I can euphemistically describe as ‘jolly’, ‘bubbly’ or ‘big-boned’.

“It’s the same with older ladies, as long as they’re practically drawing their pension. If I’m totally sure they represent no threat to me in any way whatsoever, it’s fine. I’m very relaxed like that.”

Tom Logan said: “Have you ever been on a night out with a girl who’d happily drink four pints and go for chips on the way home? Don’t tell Lucy, but it’s sexy as hell.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Fox shit, a Labrador's arse, old urine: Smells from worst to best, by your dog

THERE is a rich world of fantastic grubby scents out there that humans bizarrely ignore. Here are six of the best according to your dog.

Old urine

You don’t get to be six years old without becoming something of a connoisseur of dog piss. Most walks are spent snuffling about the bases of various street lamps and fences sampling sun-dried urine. The incredible variety of bouquets far surpasses those of that horrible swill you call wine.

6/10

Bin juice

A heady concoction of liquified food scraps and whatever disgusting stuff you chuck away in the bathroom, bin juice truly is the nectar of the gods. And don’t get me started on the Biffa round the back of the kebab shop. If I could give a bin a Michelin star, it would be that one.

7/10

Fox shit

Some people think I’m so enthusiastic about rolling in fox shit because it makes me smell like a predator. Personally I just enjoy it because, aside from the delicious punchy stink, it means that you have to give me a nice, warm bath when we get in from the freezing outdoors. Bliss.

8/10

Potpourri

The toilet at home produces some highly satisfying smells and you mess with them by putting a bowl of dried-out nonsense on top of it? Potpourri smells disgusting, and what’s weird is that I know you know it. So why do you keep buying it, you odd, unevolved creatures?

2/10

Cats

My relationship with the smell of a cat is a complex one, as it makes me both wildly excited and profoundly furious. That’s why I bark so much. It’s a bit like your reaction to watching football on the television, except I don’t get drunk and tell the cat it’s a ‘useless shower of bastards’.

8/10

A Labrador’s arse

Surely there’s no finer thrill in life than being snout deep in the bum of a Lab? The musky pong that hangs about their anal fur is an opera for the senses. Honestly, you humans should try it in the park, rather than shamefully saving it for that thing you do when you shut me out of the bedroom.

10/10

Next story ›