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Remembering which Star Wars films are good, and other mental loads carried by the man in relationships

WOMEN complain they shoulder the bulk of the mental load in relationships, while men quietly, heroically, make sure they never have to worry about these considerations: 

Monitoring alcohol levels

If the lady of the house was taking care of this, there would be regular crises. It falls to men to diligently keep track of how many cans and bottles are chilling in the fridge, as well as making sure that whatever is drunk is instantly restocked. Does she thank him when he plies her into bed with two bottles of white wine on a Friday night? No.

Preparing condescending explanations

It may seem like mansplaining comes naturally to boyfriends and husbands, but it actually involves exhaustive round-the-clock research. Men must cultivate in-depth knowledge of everything from the Cold War to the lenses used in Citizen Kane to talk down to their partners. No wonder they never have time to organise their kids’ orthodontic appointments.

Knowing which Star Wars films are good

There’s so much Star Wars content it’s hard to remember which ever-diminishing slice is worthwhile. Do women trouble themselves? Of course not. So when Disney+ is flicked on after a long day, it’s their menfolk who wisely steer them towards Rogue One instead of their rash suggestion of Solo. 

Drafting excuses not to see in-laws

Coming up with solid reasons to dodge the in-laws is tough. Working weekends and football matches can only carry you through for so long, and every man is maintaining a complicated index of excuses that won’t clash or arouse suspicion. Women take this for granted, but when it gets them out of dinner with their dad reap the benefits.

Coordinating 40-minute toilet visits

Being unable to use the bathroom or contact your boyfriend for huge stretches of time is a luxury that women rarely acknowledge. Men selflessly lay the groundwork by choosing their moment, making sure their phone is fully charged and disappearing so she has a quiet rest period with the kids. Love comes in many forms.

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Florence + The Machine, and other artists so irritating you'd swear you shared a student house with them

ONLY musicians and students can indulge in being wilfully obnoxious as a personality. Each of these brings back memories of an arsehole housemate: 

Florence + The Machine

You’re pretty sure Florence Welch was the self-proclaimed ‘white witch’ who set off the fire alarm in your housing block with a sage cleanse, costing every other resident £45. She claimed it was worth it because she’d ‘cleansed the building of negative energy’. She then kindly offered to burn some juniper if you still sensed spiritual impurities.

Axl Rose

Obsessed with alternative medicine, you couldn’t double-drop paracetamol without a lecture from this pious housemate on the evils of Big Pharma. He filled every available surface with brown bottles of homeopathic nonsense. And everyone knew, but nobody was allowed to mention, it was because he’d spent his freshers’ year off his bollocks on drugs.

Kevin Rowland

That housemate with a destructive, addictive personality. One minute he’s joined a religious cult announcing the end of the world, the next he’s sold the communal telly to fund his new girlfriend’s modelling career. Cross-dressing was only another phase in a journey which also took in Buddhism, Just Stop Oil and the inevitable trip to India.

Jim Morrison

Constantly munching psychedelics and dabbling in black magic, he hooked up with an equally unhinged acid freak and invited her to move in without asking anyone in the house. Which led you uttering the sentence ‘Look, I don’t mind mutual blood-drinking ceremonies behind closed doors, but please clean up the shared bathroom after you.’

Bjork

The wilfully eccentric art student who comes down for breakfast dressed as a swan, sits quietly until until her brief, unexplained high-pitched chuckle makes you jump, and who nobody crosses because there’s footage of her slamming someone’s head against a concrete floor doing the rounds of the group chats.

Ed Sheeran

Chirpy and amiable enough but also insufferably bland and dull, the only aspect of this generic student that stood out was that he, while eating noodles and watching Ipswich games on illegal streams, was convinced he was bloody brilliant and would earn millions within a few years of graduating. And irritated the f**k out of everyone by doing just that.

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