Romantic meal ruined by annoying life-partner

A WOMAN’S romantic evening meal has been ruined by the presence of her prick of a boyfriend.

Emma Bradford went to the trouble of making confit duck and lighting candles, only to have to share her table with the tedious man who has not been out of her sight for 10 months.

Bradford said: “I thought a date night would be fun, given how difficult things are at the moment, but unfortunately the only person I was able to invite was my boyfriend Nathan.

“I was hoping for an evening of fizzing sexual tension and instead I got to hear his anecdote about the time his friend Steve threw up in a Vauxhall Astra whilst getting a hand shandy for the millionth time.

“Also he spits food everywhere when he talks. I’ve somehow filtered it out on a day-to-day basis but it’s disgusting. If this was a real date, I’d leg it while he was in the toilet.

“Unfortunately, we’ve got a mortgage together so it’s not an option. Still, at least we’ve been together long enough that he knows there’s no chance of any sex tonight.”

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Brexiter can't get over how disastrous Megxit is

AN ardent Brexiter is appalled by what an absolute disaster Megxit has turned out to be. 

Martin Bishop believes that the Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s ‘out-of-nowhere’ decision to leave the Royal Family and Britain last year is a ‘historic error’ that will ‘take a generation to rectify’.

He said: “What were they thinking? What did they hope to gain? It’s all just so unnecessary. They were onto a good thing. Why couldn’t they just ignore the hysteria of the tabloids and continue a beneficial relationship?

“At first I had hopes of a soft Megxit, where they retained their HRHs and still did the big occasions, but their intransigence meant that it had to be hard and damaging.

“Now they’re over there and Harry’s being all woke and Californian and I don’t think they’ll ever come back. Which is their decision, but also really hurts those of us who opposed it and that’s not fair.

“Perhaps, in time, they’ll understand they had a great deal after all, that they’d whipped themselves into lunatic paranoia, and come back.”

Bishop added: “She’ll have to fill in some forms first though. She’s not English. We’re sovereign now.”