Self-obsessed egomaniac expecting questions about herself on date

A WOMAN who thinks the world revolves around her was selfishly expecting her date to find out something about her life.

Narcissist Nikki Hollis believed Martin Bishop would abandon a perfectly interesting monologue about an IT upgrade at his workplace in favour of a boring Q&A session about her unimportant existence.

Bishop said: “Conversation is a two-way street. I tell her something, then it’s Nikki’s turn to look at me raptly, nodding in agreement as I move onto another thing about myself I want to say.

“Instead I caught her briefly not smiling, and at one point looking around the restaurant in the middle of a fascinating explanation of data packets. It was downright rude.

“Why bother arranging a date if she’s not interested in finding out about my job, car, flat, ISAs, washing machine, phone contract, qualifications, childhood and difficulty finding trousers with a 44” waist that don’t have ridiculously long legs?

“Anyway I did ask her a question. I asked her if we were going back to mine or her place for sex. Obviously ‘f**k off’ was not the answer I’d hoped for, but I feel I did my bit to be interested in her.”

In a rare break from thinking about herself, Hollis said: “It’s true. On my next date I’ll probably silently wish my potential partner would shut the f**k up about cycling for five minutes. It’s just the sort of unbearably self-centred bitch I am.”

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How to punish the parents attending your child's birthday party

WANT to make your child’s birthday party an enormous pain in the arse? Here’s how:

Hold it in a far-flung location

The Nando’s in town is far too easy. Instead, take them to a petting zoo on a busy A-road 27 miles away with no parking. It’s not really a petting zoo, it’s the garden of your friend who breeds puppies, and no, she won’t make you a coffee, but it’s what Maisie asked for so it’s what she’s getting, however inconvenient it is for everyone else.

Book the most painful time

9.15am on a Sunday morning is perfect for the bowling alley, as there’s a special deal on and it will be really quiet. Not so ideal for the 30 parents who have to get their kids there on time, along with a present for Maisie that was hopefully not too obviously chosen from a petrol station on the way.

Make the parents stay

No, it’s not a drop-off so you can’t dash into town to buy some bits and then go for a lovely relaxing pint. Parents can stay to watch the kiddies having fun. You like smelly soft play spaces where a lukewarm cup of tea costs £3.50, right? And this way you’ll be on hand to help when Lucas vomits in the ball pit.

Add unnerving paperwork

Trampolining is great fun, and very safe, but it’s still necessary for each parent to fill in a form beforehand declaring that if their child breaks their neck during your child’s party, they won’t sue. Convey this information in at least three panicky WhatsApp messages where you also ask everyone to confirm receipt, causing them all to be pissed off with you before the party has even started.

Make it fancy dress

The theme is purple underwater superheroes. No, your child can’t just wear their favourite outfit, without which they are likely to refuse to leave the house. They must cater 24/7 to Maisie’s irrational whims, just like you do.

Go big on the party bag

A single napkin-wrapped slice of cake will not cut the mustard. Inflate everyone else’s child’s expectations of party bags for evermore by providing an extravaganza of brightly-coloured sweets and plastic. Whether you let them eat the lot or take it from them for safekeeping, they will throw an epic tantrum on the way home which will ruin the rest of their harassed parent’s day.