Self-styled 'Peter Pan' thinks it's attractive to women

A 34-YEAR-OLD man who says he ‘never wants to grow up’ believes it makes him sound appealing.

Tom Booker, a ‘creative freelancer’, thinks that refusing to settle down or stop taking washing to his mum’s makes him seem alluringly unencumbered by the stresses of adult life.

Booker said: “Staying free from all the conventional crap about having a steady income and not sleeping on your nephew’s top bunk keeps me fresh, which is catnip to girls.”

Ex-girlfriend Nikki Hollis said: “When I first met Tom I thought he was a sexy, idealistic rebel, like Joaquin Phoenix but less vegan, thank f**k.

“However, after a couple of months the shine wore off and I realised his self-professed ‘youthful outlook’ just means he wants to play Xbox with actual 12-year-olds.”

Booker’s mother Debbie added: “He’s coming home on Saturday because he needs his nails cut. I’ve really f**ked up with this one.”

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Man who criticises women for their size upset when they do it about his penis

A MAN who believes women are not attractive unless they are a certain size is distressed when they say the same thing about his penis.

Stephen Malley believes it is fine to tell women they are not the specific shape he wants them to be, but is strangely unreceptive to similar feedback about his member.

Ex-girlfriend Nikki Hollis said: “I put on a bit of weight whilst we were going out and Stephen thought hassling me about it would be a good idea, rather than yet another nail in the coffin of our relationship.

“I said if he wanted to be disappointed about size he should take a look in his pants. Then he lost interest in discussing size altogether. He’s not very consistent.”

Malley said: “I’m afraid Nikki doesn’t understand that all women must resemble Victoria’s Secret models but with big – but not too big – Page 3 breasts. How hard can it be to look like that?”

Hollis added: “Still, telling Stephen I could change my size but he was stuck with his chipolata was a quick way to end our relationship.”