Sensible relationship advice completely ruins delusion of happiness

A WOMAN who asked a friend for advice on a new relationship is blaming her for shattering illusions she was perfectly content with. 

Grace Wood-Morris, aged 26, was hoping pal Charlotte Phelps would offer unqualified support for her deluded fantasy that new boyfriend Joe Turner was The One, only to be offered useful insights and practical guidance that blew her comforting delusions apart.

She said: “I was telling Lottie about Joe, and how the way he wore an old T-shirt for the third date shows that he recognises my true self and we’ll get married next year.

“But this bitch had the audacity to give me really wise words of advice, telling me it may not be love I’m feeling but infatuation and I should take it slow to avoid spooking him, like I did with the last three.

“What kind of f**king friend gives their mate that kind of responsible, well-reasoned counsel? When I was blissfully living in an oblivious joy-filled fantasy of him being a secret millionaire who wanted to start a family right away?

“Next time I’m going to Hayley for advice. She makes terrible decisions and her life’s a mess. She’d know to pat me on the back and say ‘well done’.”

Phelps said: “Usually I’d let Grace coast along in her little dream world, but she was the first to point out my ex wasn’t planning a secret proposal in the Maldives and was in fact cheating on me. Cow.”

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Temporary traffic lights opportunity for mindfulness, claim men in hi-viz

HIGHWAYS workers have urged the public to embrace the opportunity for relaxation and centering oneself afforded by their temporary lights. 

Rather than viewing long delays at a four-way junction as an obstacle, workers have suggested motorists live in the moment even when that moment is idling in traffic on a busy A-road.

Construction worker Nathan Muir said: “Live slow. Relax. Breathe in and out. Abandon your worries and judgement.

“Our high-viz jackets are the same saffron as the robes worn by Buddhist monks. We added these reflective patches to urge you to reflect on your existence.

“Sometimes we’ll gesture at you because we want to recommend a restful pose. Or draw up in a truck full of bitumen to encourage you to take deep, soothing breaths, hold, and then exhale through the nose.

“Don’t worry. If you seem ready to explode with stress we’ll keep you on red for a bit longer, to give you time to achieve that perfect moment of Zen-like calm.

“We’re from a higher spiritual plane. Except for Martin. He’s from Nuneaton.”