Seven relationship f**k-ups for ugly people

ARE you single, ugly and looking for love? Avoid these glaring f**k-ups only hot people can get away with.

Playing hard to get

Beggars can’t be choosers, and you’re the ugliest beggar in town, so cling like a limpet to the first person to show any interest. Pester them continually for fear they’ll take their affections elsewhere, although it’s best to stop short of a restraining order. Prison is horrible and the only sex is the not-very-romantic Shawshank Redemption type.


Beautiful people are practically expected to play away once in a while – there’s all that temptation and they’re fit enough to be worth forgiving. With you it’s freakish enough that you’ve bagged a partner at all. Luckily your looks mean the opportunity is extremely unlikely to arise, so it’s not something you need to worry too much about.

Being poor

Rich people don’t need to be attractive to get laid by stunners – look at Mick Jagger. Or don’t. With your hideous appearance, gold diggers are probably your best bet. You needn’t be in the superyacht league, just having enough cash or a house might do these days. Sure, it’s a bit like dating a prostitute, but that just means you’ve got a fun relationship like in Pretty Woman, right?

Lacking personality

Force yourself to sit through five minutes of Made In Chelsea and you’ll realise people who are catwalk model material don’t need an interesting personality, or indeed any personality at all. You’ll need to be hilariously witty, have the trained ear of a professional counsellor and do interesting stuff like regularly saving drowning animals. A tall order, but a fact of life when you look like Michael Gove.

Being high maintenance

Nobody would keep throwing time, effort and money at a rusty old 2007 Nissan Micra, and you’re no different. Gorgeous bastards can be a pain in the arse, but for you it’s best to agree with everything they say and do everything you’re told. Start throwing prima donna hissy fits and you’ll get dumped pronto. Regard it as a valuable lesson in life’s unfairness.

Believing bullshit 

For god’s sake don’t come out with rubbish like ‘It’s the sort of person you are inside that counts’. You’ll look like even more of a twat when your partner abruptly leaves you for someone who’s a boring, unreliable, annoying personality vacuum but just happens to be extremely good-looking.

Being underhung

Debate rages about whether big penises are all that, but if you’re an ugly man then an impressive knob is one less obstacle, should you actually manage to get your target – sorry, new girlfriend – as far as the bedroom. A teeny little winkle will get a kindly ‘size doesn’t matter to me’ response, only for you to wake from your post-coital doze at 3am to discover they’ve f**ked off and changed their mobile number.

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'Stop showing off you little bastard': A lip reader reveals the charming royal chatter

THE media have taken to using lip readers to discover what the royals are saying from a distance. Here Nikki Hollis explains what was said on the Buckingham Palace balcony.

‘Stop showing off you little bastard’

Although the press loved Prince Louis’s antics, it seems the Queen was less enthusiastic. After this playful admonishment, the Monarch says to mum Kate, ‘Get the spoilt shit under control or he’s going off that f**king ledge.’

‘Planning to go on forever, you old bat?’

This teasing quip from Charles to the Queen refers to her apparent refusal to give up the throne. Showing her famous sense of humour, quick as a flash the Queen replies: ‘F**k off.’

‘You’ve seen one f**king flypast, you’ve seen them all’

The Queen reminds everyone of her long service attending ceremonial events, revealing she has got headphones in and is listening to a podcast about horses.

‘Covid, how very convenient. Riddled with bloody syphilis, more likely’

This comment from Prince Charles undoubtedly refers to Prince Andrew being diagnosed with Covid and unable to attend Jubilee events. It’s touching to see Charles so concerned about his younger brother’s health.

‘Christ, you look more like a horse with mange every day’

Kate says this to William as they step onto the balcony and face the world’s media. William can be seen to weakly reply: ‘Why must you do this to me?’ 

‘So much for our feud, Daily Mail readers must feel like dicks’

There has been no sign of the supposed bitter feud between William and Harry at the Jubilee, almost as if it was fabricated to sell copies of the Daily Mail. Here Harry jokes about it with his brother, who adds: ‘Yeah, I don’t give a shit about your Netflix stuff, why would I?’ 

‘Shagged any married men recently, Camilla?’

Harry reminds Camilla of her long-standing affair with Prince Charles. ‘Maybe he was just sick of being married to a mental bitch,’ replies the Duchess of Cornwall. Their intimate chat suggests any animosity is long in the past.

‘Meghan, Lady Louise, Kate and the Duchess of Wessex. That’s the order I’d do them in’

Prince Charles takes a moment out from his ceremonial duties to enjoy some laddish banter with Princess Anne’s husband Sir Timothy Laurence. Sir Timothy looks uncomfortable.

‘How’s the head girl bitch today?’ 

Meghan shows her admiration for Kate’s handling of royal duties with the nickname ‘head girl’. ‘Not having a nose job or getting f**ked on a casting coach,’ says Kate. Clearly the two young female royals are great friends and will be enjoying a girls’ gossip later.

‘Will I be allowed to hunt humans one day, Mummy?’

This charming question from Prince George is met with laughter from Kate. ‘Only poor ones, on the secret estate,’ she replies.