ARE you single, ugly and looking for love? Avoid these glaring f**k-ups only hot people can get away with.
Playing hard to get
Beggars can’t be choosers, and you’re the ugliest beggar in town, so cling like a limpet to the first person to show any interest. Pester them continually for fear they’ll take their affections elsewhere, although it’s best to stop short of a restraining order. Prison is horrible and the only sex is the not-very-romantic Shawshank Redemption type.
Beautiful people are practically expected to play away once in a while – there’s all that temptation and they’re fit enough to be worth forgiving. With you it’s freakish enough that you’ve bagged a partner at all. Luckily your looks mean the opportunity is extremely unlikely to arise, so it’s not something you need to worry too much about.
Rich people don’t need to be attractive to get laid by stunners – look at Mick Jagger. Or don’t. With your hideous appearance, gold diggers are probably your best bet. You needn’t be in the superyacht league, just having enough cash or a house might do these days. Sure, it’s a bit like dating a prostitute, but that just means you’ve got a fun relationship like in Pretty Woman, right?
Force yourself to sit through five minutes of Made In Chelsea and you’ll realise people who are catwalk model material don’t need an interesting personality, or indeed any personality at all. You’ll need to be hilariously witty, have the trained ear of a professional counsellor and do interesting stuff like regularly saving drowning animals. A tall order, but a fact of life when you look like Michael Gove.
Being high maintenance
Nobody would keep throwing time, effort and money at a rusty old 2007 Nissan Micra, and you’re no different. Gorgeous bastards can be a pain in the arse, but for you it’s best to agree with everything they say and do everything you’re told. Start throwing prima donna hissy fits and you’ll get dumped pronto. Regard it as a valuable lesson in life’s unfairness.
For god’s sake don’t come out with rubbish like ‘It’s the sort of person you are inside that counts’. You’ll look like even more of a twat when your partner abruptly leaves you for someone who’s a boring, unreliable, annoying personality vacuum but just happens to be extremely good-looking.
Debate rages about whether big penises are all that, but if you’re an ugly man then an impressive knob is one less obstacle, should you actually manage to get your target – sorry, new girlfriend – as far as the bedroom. A teeny little winkle will get a kindly ‘size doesn’t matter to me’ response, only for you to wake from your post-coital doze at 3am to discover they’ve f**ked off and changed their mobile number.