TO you it may just be a four-day bender, but to loyal Britons it’s a magnificent celebration of our beloved monarch. So how will you be letting the kingdom down over the Jubilee weekend?
Trying to escape overseas
Only a turncoat would leave Britain over the weekend, so it’s good that leaving our borders is currently a more challenging version of Takeshi’s Castle. Flight cancelled on the runway? Serves you right for turning your back on your own country to go somewhere that probably doesn’t even have a proper queen, back-stabber.
Improvising your own pissed-up toast
Every street party will be raising a glass with a simple ‘God save the Queen’. Don’t stand unsteadily and disrespectfully offer: ‘No listen, seriously, good luck to her. Born into it, they all are, but so what? F**king amazing job. And she was pretty fit back in the day. What? Sorry. Cheers Liz, cheers everyone.’
Feeling uncomfortable belting out Rule Britannia
You gave the national anthem a good go but now your local pub is insisting on the full version of ‘Rule Britannia’. Reading the lyrics from your phone you’re sure ‘More dreadful from each foreign stroke’ sounds a bit Brexity, and it seems to be in favour of other people being slaves. You should be rightly barred for five years.
Vomiting on the Jubilee Line
You were ordered to take your weird cousin to London to watch the pageant on The Mall, but started on the cans at Macclesfield, got lost at Green Park, and ended up barfing M&S gin and tonic and Speckled Hen all over the most sacred of Underground lines. Pray Her Majesty never finds out you soiled yourself at Victoria.
Not despising Harry and Meghan
You should hate them anyway for general treachery to the Royal Family, but this is the Queen’s weekend, not theirs. They should f**k off home as soon as possible without getting backstage video footage to sell to Netflix. If you say something sickeningly disloyal like ‘He’s probably very happy for his gran’ you have made an enemy of the British people and must now avoid normal society and live in a cave eating beetles.
Being Alan Titchmarsh
As the world pays its respects it is only natural to show your adulation of the Queen and her family. But don’t be Alan Titchmarsh. There’s a big difference between proud, patriotic admiration and being a slobbering, bootlicking toerag. Take heed, Titchmarsh.