70 glorious years: The inexorable decline of Britain and how the Queen helped

BRITAIN has been sliding towards a gloom-ridden dystopia over the last 70 years and the Queen has done nothing to stop it. Here’s how it unfolded. 


Britain loses its empire and relinquishes its status as a world power under the Queen’s reign, with a few countries patronisingly keeping her face on money. Her Majesty has three children as did millions of other women.


The country is transformed by baby boomers with wild fashions, pop music, and radically different sexual and societal mores. The Queen stands as a proud figurehead to all those resisting any improvement in their daily lives and demanding subservience to a ruling class, just as she does today.


The collapse of British manufacturing and Thatcher’s war on the unions devastates working-class Britain. Inflation is rampant and unemployment high. Our monarch decides to cheer things up with a big celebration of her, which we pay for, and a fancy wedding for her son.


Son’s expensive marriage falls apart, because he didn’t want to marry the woman his mum made him marry and didn’t much like her. Poll tax riots and Black Monday. At the end Her Majesty feels sorry for herself because there was a fire at her house and she has to pay tax.


Bollocked by the nation for improperly mourning the death of her daughter-in-law, who she was less than fond of. The country suffers recession and New Labour. Queen largely indifferent, and is punished for it by spending new year in the Millennium Dome holding Tony Blair’s hand.


War in Iraq, a credit crunch, tens of thousands of homeless and the sale of everything bar the monarchy to foreign interests. The Queen holds another two big Jubilees in honour of herself and the whole country spends four days drinking white cider in the rain.


Trump becomes president, Brexit splits Britain, and Her Majesty happily agrees to illegally prorogue parliament rather than make a fuss. Has Trump over like that’s acceptable. Grandson marries a black woman who’s welcomed to the family and hounded out of the country. Pays off son’s court case for sex allegations. Another celebration is certainly due.

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'I heard a podcast about that': Five signs you're about to be lectured by a twat

TRYING to have a conversation with an irritating acquaintance? As soon as you hear any of these, brace yourself for a sort of shit mini-lecture.

‘I saw an interesting Guardian long-read recently’

The sentence that sends shivers down the backs of anyone attending a dinner party. Paula’s underwhelming beef wellington will turn to ash in your mouth as you sit through what feels like her recounting the entire article in real time. You never thought you’d spend the evening being lectured on the financial struggles facing Peruvian alpaca farmers, but there you are.

‘I heard a podcast about that’

You thought you were on safe, if boring, ground discussing inflation with Ian at work. Well, unfortunately, Ian listened to a BBC podcast the other day, so now your lunch break will be wasted listening to this wanker try to lecture you about global economics while he struggles to remember facts he didn’t understand anyway. 

‘Have you even seen the documentaries?’

Looking to have a nice, relaxed conversation about, say, The Beatles, with a few friends at a party? Well, prepare for some pedantic prick to berate you for not having PhD level knowledge of the band and attempt to feel superior by deploying tedious facts such as: ‘In 1966 the Beatles were among the first artists to use artificial double-tracking.’

‘There’s a brilliant TED talk about that’

Is the person you’re speaking to a qualified expert on the subject they’re looking to wank on about? No. Did they watch half a TED talk about successful relationships on a bus one morning in 2017 and seem to think that makes them a world-leading behavioural psychologist? Unfortunately, yes, so prepare for some unsolicited, and inaccurate, relationship advice.

‘Did you read the book though?’

Chatting about a massive, widely-acclaimed movie series like The Lord of the Rings? Well you don’t actually know what you’re talking about, according to this arse. Enjoy spending the next hour having a man wearing a leather trench coat explain how J.R.R. Tolkein would be spinning in his grave if he knew what details the movies left out. (Mainly boring dwarf mythology.)