Seven traits of your ex's new partner only you can see are manipulative and evil

IS the former love of your life deliriously happy with someone new? Can only you, because you’re objective, see through the deceit and sickening lies? These aren’t what they seem:

Having fun nights out

The pretence of happiness on Facebook, drinking cocktails with her new boyfriend Steve and his buddies, can’t fool you. It’s plain he’s encouraging alcohol dependence so he can control her by withholding her next fix of strawberry daiquiri.

Being nice to him

Your ex’s devious new girlfriend constantly tells him he’s wonderful when he’s at best mediocre, as you pointed out frequently for his own good. It doesn’t speak well of him that he’s fallen for someone being attentive, touching him fondly and laughing at his jokes. If he doesn’t watch out she’ll trap him into marriage.

Being sexually available

Based on suggestive comments on social media it appears she’s much more into sex with him than she was with you, which makes no sense. He’s clearly using sex aids like anaesthetic sprays or a cock ring, which is cheating. This could be your way back in, though being honest you’ve never heard of a couple getting back together because her new boyfriend’s knob fell off.

Getting on with his friends

The interloping cow feigns enjoying his friends’ company, which she can’t be because they’re twats. This fun-and-outgoing persona is only to lure him in before revealing herself as obsessively jealous. Or she’s already scoping out her next sexual conquest. It’s possible she’s simply a sociable person, but you prefer the ‘conniving bitch’ explanation.

Buying expensive gifts

Her new guy has a definite sinister side. He not only remembered when her birthday is – hope you like dating the Stasi, sweetie – but spent about 300 quid taking her clothes shopping. That’s not love, it’s buying her like a possession. That’s why you always got her non-materialistic presents, like your devotion and a hug.

Performing non-TV activities

Your poor ex-boyfriend, forced to do stuff that’s totally out of his comfort zone like tasting menus and weekends in Venice. Your relationship was so solid you could be happy just watching Inside the Factory with Gregg Wallace. It’s all just a distraction from their basic incompatibility. You’ll be here, waiting, with a second bottle of Jacob’s Creek.

Moving in together

She always was naive so she believes it’s a sign of love and commitment, not extreme control freakery. When she posts pictures of them shopping at IKEA, you want to comment ‘has he bought bars for the window of the cell he’ll lock you in’? Why can’t she see through him like you can? And why has she stopped reading your DMs?

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Homeworkers to work from windswept beaches in pissing rain

A THIRD of the UK’s homeworkers plan to do their jobs from a rain-lashed beach during severe gales in Britain this summer. 

Homeworkers, who can do their jobs anywhere there is wifi, are heading to the British coast where they believe the abject misery of huddling in a shelter battered by storms will reflect how they feel inside.

Carly Ryan, a contract lawyer, said: “My home’s nice. Too nice to ruin with the grinding, relentless tedium and petty twats of my job.

“To avoid besmirching it with negative associations, I’m spending July and August in a static caravan in Filey where every day I’ll sit on the beach in the drizzle, soaked to the skin, staring at a grey ocean under a grey sky. An environment to match my working mood.”

Compliance officer Joseph Turner agreed: “So what if people are jealous when I join Zoom calls in a cagoule, occasionally fighting off an aggressive seagull I refer to as ‘Black Peter’? They just wish they’d thought of it.

“And it finally means I can look at the office-bound disparagingly, muttering ‘well it’s alright for some’ about their dry clothing and flesh not bleached blue by the freezing rain.

“Have I got the Q2 reports? No, sorry, they blew away along with the stones holding them down. I cut my foot on broken glass while chasing after them, if that’s any help.”