Seven ways of impressing teenage girls that are dead easy now it's too late

MALE teenagers are desperate to impress girls, which is tricky without money or your independence. But now you could easily wow them with these everyday middle-aged skills. WARNING: Don’t.

Getting served in the offie

Any teenage crush would have been impressed by this. Now you buy booze as a matter of course, which might explain why you’re considerably fatter and more haggard than when you were 17. You’d definitely have snogged Rachel Grint if you’d shared a decent Rioja in the bus shelter instead of a can of Vimto.

Owning the latest trainers

You probably wouldn’t spend £150+ on trainers, but you could easily afford this infrequent purchase if it increased your chances of a shag. Your parents didn’t see it this way and you had to make do with mediocre trainers or – and this is child cruelty – no-brand velcro ones from C&A. God, your parents must have hated you, but on the upside you weren’t responsible for any teenage pregnancies.

Not having spots

In your late teens or early 20s spots suddenly disappear entirely, making you wonder what was the f**king point of them making your life a misery for the last six years. If you walked up to a group of teenagers in the local park you’d be the most zit-free of any of them. The only problem is that as a lone middle-aged male you’d look like a creepy paedo. Even more so if you started talking about spots.

Owning a car

Now you’ve got one you just find driving a boring chore associated with going to work and unremarkable family days out. However the cruellest irony is that you don’t even need a very good car to impress teenage girls. You could easily pick up an old Citroen Saxo, bung on some skirting and stick in a couple of bass bins and you’d be pretty popular with tracksuited hotties – if you weren’t the oldest boy racer alive.

Staying up late 

You can stay up as late as you want now. Back in the day girls would have been impressed if you didn’t have to be home by 9.30pm because your fascist parents said so, although it would be deeply strange if this rule still applied now you’re 44. In addition, staying up just makes you fret about being knackered at work, even if the only young women you’re hanging out with are on Babestation or Pornhub.

Your superhuman alcohol tolerance

It’s a long while since you projectile vomited after four pints of cider, so you are extremely cool. Of course, if you had a session with serious drinkers your own age you’d be exposed as a lightweight who’s unconscious by his seventh pint. Teenage girls wouldn’t know this, but that’s because they wouldn’t be allowed in the pub, so this increasingly confusing timewarp situation is still not helping you in any way.

Your own pad

It’s easy as an adult to forget the immeasurable benefit to your love life of your mum not ‘checking up on you’. And while your current flat or house is nothing special, it’s way more romantic than sitting in McDonald’s all evening. In a way, teenage boys are the ideal people to have mortgages, because you wouldn’t find them whinging about interest rates if there was the slightest possibility of getting wanked off by Sally Hewson from 5CW.

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Lib Dems bounce back to f**king everything up

AFTER years of languishing in obscurity, the Liberal Democrats have returned to mess up politics like they did last time.

Snatching Somerton and Frome from the Tories in last night’s by-election is only the beginning for the party, who intend to fragment the opposition, force people to vote tactically, then prop up total bastards if it gives them the illusion of power.

Party leader Sir Ed Davey said: “We’ve gone from being hated by students to being the second or third choice among Guardian readers. God it feels good to be back.

“Remember the heyday of the 2010 coalition? You all despised us at the time, but compared to a pure Tory government it wasn’t so bad, was it? Just think, the halcyon days of reneged promises and the pasty tax might come round again.

“We couldn’t have returned at a worse time, either. The two main parties are failing to differentiate themselves from one another, and we’re contributing nothing by draining their support. We’re essentially a more progressive UKIP.”

Liberal Democrat voter Martin Bishop said: “Ed Davey? I thought Jo Swinson was in charge? And what happened to that weird Christian guy?

“No matter, all we need to do now is get another 100+ MPs instantly, which has never happened, and we’re back in the game.”