Sex best time to compile mental to do list, say married couples

MARRIED couples have agreed that mid-sex is the best time to make a little list of everything that needs doing around the house. 

Researchers found that the couples each take the opportunity, while occupied with an undemanding, familiar physical task, to tot up what they need to get done before the family visits start next month.

Emma Bradford, aged 34, said: “I’m too busy most of the time. But during the middle bit, while he’s doing his thrusting, I finally have a bit of peace to think about redecorating the bathroom.

“Even when he’s finishing me off, I delay it by planning the kids’ lunchboxes for the next week. Why not. Let him sweat a bit.”

Husband Justin agreed: “As we only have sex monthly I’m always overexcited, so I slow myself down by detailing exactly what needs to go to the charity shop and how I’ll fit it in the Astra.

“Then, in the final throes, I’m desperately going through everything that’s wrong with the car. Helps me last those crucial extra few seconds.”

Emma said: “It’s multi-tasking. Two birds with one stone, so to speak. You’ve no idea how boring it gets shagging the same bloke all the time.”

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How to be an idiot about wearing a poppy

DO you want to hijack an act of remembrance for your own purposes, or just be a general idiot about poppies? Here’s how.

Have no idea what wearing a poppy means

The idea of poppies is to remember those who lost their lives in conflicts, not to show you think your country is great. It’s really not a jolly celebration of England winning two world wars and one World Cup. Look it up.

Go absolutely ballistic if someone on telly isn’t wearing one

It’s definitely because they’re communists or pacifists or something and have no respect for ‘our boys’ – they didn’t just forget or aren’t allowed to. Luckily there is a free therapeutic service to vent your rage before your heart explodes, known as ‘Daily Mail comments’.

Stick a poppy on your right-wing website

Co-opt the poppy to promote your newspaper, like most tabloids. Or plaster it all over your nutty fascist website, as Britain First did until they were made to stop. Boosting your site traffic is definitely what the fallen would have wanted.

Get angry about white poppies

Take logic to bizarre extremes if you have to. White poppies remember ‘all victims of war’ so people who wear them are sad about Osama Bin Laden, right? Don’t let the fact that no one thinks this stop you being enjoyably cross.

Wear two or even three

Have a paper poppy, a pin badge poppy and put one on your car too, so everyone knows what a massive patriot you are, even though it’s not really about that and you just look a bit mental.