Parents try to work out which a*sehole kid started sick bug

PARENTS of children who have been vomiting all night are pointlessly trying to work out who is to blame.

Angry mums and dads have spent an entire morning trying to identify which child and their scumbag parents violated the 48-hour incubation rule. 

Mum-of-two Emma Bradford said: “My money is on that little boy in year three who started the nit outbreak last month.

“Although apparently Kelly Hollis from reception never washes her hands after she’s been to the toilet so it could be her. I have no evidence of this but I do need someone to blame. 

“Whoever is responsible for this outbreak needs to take a long, hard look at themselves. I was supposed to be going to the pub quiz tonight but now I’ll be catching child puke in a bowl.

“I’m sending my kids to school in hazmat suits next week.”

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A guide to Tory spending vs Labour spending

THE Conservatives and Labour are locked in an escalating battle over spending. Who is promising you personally the most? 

Health

Tories: 40 brand new hospitals, except that is a fib and there might be some in 2040. Also tax breaks for high-earning consultant surgeons and more ward visits by Boris Johnson. Cost: £13bn. 

Labour: Tax on millionaires to buy more nurses, more cleaners and more honest working-class Henry Hoovers. Prescription charges scrapped, even for not-exactly-lifesaving stuff like Viagra and wobbly eggs. Cost: £35bn. 

Benefits

Tories: Massive rise in pensions, home heating allowance and nursing care for over-65 Conservative voters without whom the party would be stuffed. All other benefits scrapped and claimants made to wear pink ‘Scrounger’ sandwich boards. Cost: £5bn. 

Labour: ‘Benefits freeze’ to become ‘benefits warmed up’, making claiming the dole marginally less rubbish. Cost: £6bn. 

Transport

Tories: Will finish HS2 or cancel it, whichever is the best for Britain or rather the Tories. More roads and more of them named after Top Gear presenters. Wacky airport ideas from Boris. Cost: £25bn. 

Labour: Renationalise railways, put more buses on, and all served with lashings of lovely carbon neutrality. Probably won’t happen but some rural areas might get more than one bus a month. Cost: £2.5bn. 

Taxes

Tories: Enormous tax cuts for anyone who’s got tonnes of money, paid for by a series of mean little tax cuts for the poor. Very popular with lots of the poor. Cost: £107bn. 

Labour: New quantum Marxism taxation means it is possible to afford anything. Apparently will cripple the finances of the rich, so watch out for Adele and Richard Branson begging by the roadside. Cost: minus £800bn.