Sharing an umbrella, and other romantic things that are actually shite

IN THE first flushes of love? These romantic favourites will be suffered through with gritted teeth by both parties:  

Sharing an umbrella

Umbrellas are a one-person thing. It’s annoying enough sharing one if you’re both the same height, let alone when one of you is five foot two and the other’s six foot one. Prepare for one of you to be soaked and resentful.

Cooking for your partner

Can’t eat out? No problem. The new light of your life will make a three-course romantic meal for you. Which in practice means you sit there alone while they bugger about swearing in the kitchen, then you lie about their disappointingly chewy risotto. Just get a takeaway.

Sharing a bubble bath

Even scented candles and rose petals can’t disguise the fact that you’re sitting in one another’s filth. Lying in tepid water next to a toilet, unable to move without kneeing your partner in the boob, gets old fast but you’re obligated to stay in for a minimum 30 minutes.

Walking arm-in-arm through the park

Going for a walk in the park together is the lifeblood of romance, until you remember that modern parks are filled with dog shit, surly teenagers smoking weed and creeps jodding off in bushes. The mood of romance will be difficult to sustain.

A weekend away

When Covid restrictions allow it, you can go to a hotel for sex. Except that your room’s not big enough and has a view of a wall, you’ll spend half the time hunting down a Boots to get the toiletry items you forgot, and when night rolls around the sound of desperate couples with kids having their annual bang will be an inescapable reminder of where romance leads.

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'Live, Laugh, Love': the inspirational phrases you put on the wall that make you look like an idiot

Did you think it was a good idea to decorate your home with vapid inspirational quotes? These trite phrases are mocking you from your walls right now:

Love begins at home

After all these weeks of lockdown, the only thing that ‘begins at home’ is grinding boredom and a rising loathing for whoever you live with. Replace this stencilled message with the cross-stitch you’ve completed saying ‘I hate you all so f**king much’.

Dance like nobody’s watching

Ignores the obvious truth that, for 99 people out of 100, when nobody’s watching they don’t bother dancing.

Be the change you want to see in the world – Gandhi

Given the current state of the world, this is a hell of a lot to ask, Mahatma. Teams of top scientists and politicians are failing to fend off this shitstorm. How about laying off the guilt trip while I lie here eating crisps and binge-watching Frasier? 

Collect moments, not things

Not the quote to have looming over you at a time when online shopping is one of your only permitted distractions from the nuclear shitfest that is everything. Why not ‘collect’ the ‘moment’ when you paint over this message?

Excuse the mess, the children are making memories

When you put this cheeky, cute message on the wall, the children were only making memories at weekends. Now there’s always at least one of them self-isolating from school, dumping all over your life. Best tactic: drink enough to make no memories at all.

The best is yet to come

It f**king well better be.