IN THE first flushes of love? These romantic favourites will be suffered through with gritted teeth by both parties:
Sharing an umbrella
Umbrellas are a one-person thing. It’s annoying enough sharing one if you’re both the same height, let alone when one of you is five foot two and the other’s six foot one. Prepare for one of you to be soaked and resentful.
Cooking for your partner
Can’t eat out? No problem. The new light of your life will make a three-course romantic meal for you. Which in practice means you sit there alone while they bugger about swearing in the kitchen, then you lie about their disappointingly chewy risotto. Just get a takeaway.
Sharing a bubble bath
Even scented candles and rose petals can’t disguise the fact that you’re sitting in one another’s filth. Lying in tepid water next to a toilet, unable to move without kneeing your partner in the boob, gets old fast but you’re obligated to stay in for a minimum 30 minutes.
Walking arm-in-arm through the park
Going for a walk in the park together is the lifeblood of romance, until you remember that modern parks are filled with dog shit, surly teenagers smoking weed and creeps jodding off in bushes. The mood of romance will be difficult to sustain.
A weekend away
When Covid restrictions allow it, you can go to a hotel for sex. Except that your room’s not big enough and has a view of a wall, you’ll spend half the time hunting down a Boots to get the toiletry items you forgot, and when night rolls around the sound of desperate couples with kids having their annual bang will be an inescapable reminder of where romance leads.