Government launches vaccine advent calendar

A NEW advent calendar released by the government allows Britons to count down until they are eligible to receive the coronavirus vaccine. 

The calendar, to be rolled out across the whole country for December 1st, will give everyone the festive thrill of opening little doors until the big day when they can safely mix with others again.

Health secretary Matt Hancock, so convinced his days are numbered that he has not even tweeted to defend Priti Patel, said: “You people like advent calendars and that kind of shit, yeah?

“So go to the dot gov website, enter your details and by next weekend you’ll get your personalised calendar in the post.

“If you’re a healthcare worker, you’ll have a mere 24 windows to open until the big day. If you’re under 45 with no pre-existing condition, it’ll be wall-sized with 365 joyous windows to pop and enjoy.

“To make it more fun, every day will reveal a photograph of a Conservative MP. Who will it be tomorrow? Gareth Bacon, member for Orpington? Kemi Badenoch, member for Saffron Walden? Fun for the whole family.

“Better yet, the World Health Organisation has confirmed it’s safe to enjoy alongside your existing Celebrations, Lindt or gin calendar. What larks.”

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Husband sues wife for disastrous lockdown haircut

A HUSBAND is suing his wife for breach of contract and personal injury after she gave him a calamitous haircut during lockdown.

Martin Bishop was left with lacerations to his ear, bald patches and psychological scarring, according to papers filed with his lawyer.

Bishop said: “It wasn’t until I was sat on a chair in the bathroom and she had the scissors out that she started saying things like ‘I don’t actually know what I’m doing’.

“It wasn’t like in the hairdresser’s where they treat you nicely. She kept pointing out stuff like ‘it’s getting very thin here’ and ‘God, you’re horribly grey, aren’t you?’

“She didn’t even brush away the hair on my neck at the end, but instead gave me the broom and told me to clear the bloody mess up myself. I was virtually in tears.”

Helen Bishop said: “If he thinks this has ruined his life, wait until we get to the divorce proceedings.”