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Single woman asks married friends to stop having fun as that's her thing

A SINGLE woman has requested her married and attached friends cease going out having fun as it is ruining the key benefit of being single. 

Unattached 33-year-old Sophie Rodriguez, who is enjoying the spontaneous nights out, crazy weekends abroad and thriving social life of a carefree woman without ties was disappointed to find couples, who are boring, doing very similar things.

She said: “They’ve settled and they’re settled. They’re meant to be at home wearing matching M&S cardigans arguing about dishwasher tablets and binging TV shows.

“But instead I’m seeing them on Instagram mashed at Amnesia in Ibiza at 6am, drinking in riverside bars in Budapest with strangers, and having the kind of no-strings-attached good time that rightly should be reserved for me.

“Being cool is a single person thing. If they’re doing it too, it means all we have left are debt and questionable life choices. They’ve already got a big flat and the respect of their parents, it’s not fair. What next, will they be having regular sex as well?

“I’ve issued a cease-and-desist order and they’re legally required to only leave the house for uncomfortable date nights on Wednesdays, when the restaurants take vouchers.”

Married friend Charlotte Phelps said: “Couples love to party and have the double income to enable it. We don’t invite Soph because she wails about some guy not texting and it drags us down.”

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Has Sabrina Carpenter done sex? An investigation

POP star Sabrina Carpenter’s new album has fans theorising that she may, at some point, have had sexual intercourse. But can we be certain? Let’s examine the evidence: 

Some lyrics may be sexual euphemisms

The track Tears features the lyrics ‘I get wet at the thought of you’, and the line ‘Tears run down my thighs’. Casual listeners will assume these are innocent declarations of how her beau’s responsible behaviour makes her weep with joy. To the suspicious-minded, however, there could be a provocative double-meaning behind the innocent façade.

Verdict: Not definitive proof that she’s done the deed, but interesting to consider.

She’s demonstrated sex positions on stage

As part of the performance of Juno, Sabrina would contort herself into a different pose every night while on tour, saying ‘Have you ever tried this one?’ The poses, interestingly, often correlated with positions used by avid sexers. Though it’s likely Sabrina has read the Karma Sutra purely for its spirituality, not indulged in the act of lovemaking herself.

Verdict: Probably no more than coincidence.

She has a past celebrity relationship

Tongues were set wagging when Sabrina hit the red carpet with Irish bad boy Barry Keoghan who has a son from a previous relationship so is unlikely to be a virgin. Now, it doesn’t logically follow that Sabrina and Barry ever consummated their relationship, perhaps preferring to play Scrabble or watch Pointless, but it does add fuel to the fire.

Verdict: Barry never had sex in that Irish film, so why would he in real life?

She appeals to the male gaze

The controversial cover for album Man’s Best Friend featured Sabrina on her knees with her hair held by an unseen man. Outraged critics claimed a woman who dresses provocatively and is photographed in such a way is implying that she knows her way around a man in the bedroom. But could it be a red herring for her continued virginity?

Verdict: She’s fully clothed, for God’s sake, get your minds out of the gutter.

Conclusion

Sadly, until Sab comes out and tells us the extent of her carnal knowledge, we can only guess whether she has actually gone ‘all the way’ with a boy. Though we’re almost definitely sure that she has kissed one.

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