Six alternative, face-saving reasons you've been dumped

OFFICIALLY you were dumped because you’re a selfish knobhead. Comfort yourself with six more palatable and delusional reasons your ex had to let you go: 

She jumped before she was pushed

Your girlfriend undoubtedly caught wind that you were about to dump her and seized the initiative by dumping you first, out of respect. She must have picked up on a subconscious vibe, like the fact your relationship had been coasting along for years and you’d let the spark die.

She wasn’t ready for a long-term commitment

Neither were you but that’s besides the point. Your immature and emotionally unintelligent ex couldn’t stand the thought of being shackled to you for the rest of her days, even though she’d single-handedly been pushing the relationship forwards before giving up. Hopefully the next one will be in it for the long haul.

You were too much for her, sexually

Being a skilled lover has its drawbacks. Your ex was obviously intimidated by your sexual prowess as you’d make her come at least a few times, you think. ‘How many people has he practised with to get that good?’ she likely thought. A gentleman never tells, but does your hand count? Because your number of conquests could do with all the help it can get.

Her friends were jealous

You can tell by the way they called you a waste of space that your ex-girlfriend’s mates wanted you for themselves. Why else would they try to besmirch your good name, if not to lure you into their own clutches? After all, the sisterhood never looks out for one another with a fiercely protective sense of loyalty, especially when it comes to useless men.

She put your career first

She was an anchor, mate. You were climbing the ladder of your dead-end office job, meanwhile she was dragging you down with her own business that raked in a fair bit, granted, but was heading to overextension and collapse. If anything she’s set you free, so try not to hold a grudge. Now you can put all your energy into entering data into a spreadsheet like a robot.

You wanted different things

She hoped to get married one day and have a family. Your aspirations include sitting around all day in your pants and unlocking every achievement in Diablo IV. It was never going to work. Better to call things off after the best part of a decade so you don’t waste each other’s time. Good luck to her finding someone better. She’ll come crawling back.

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Gen Z romanticising about growing up pre-internet wouldn't have lasted a day

DELUDED young people fantasising about growing up before the internet and social media would not have lasted five f**king minutes, their elders and betters have confirmed. 

Teenagers who are romanticising the era of the Spice Girls and dial-up modems have no idea how much every aspect of life back then sucked total balls.

Idealistic 20-year-old Grace Wood-Morris said: “Life would have been so much better in the distant past, like 1992, when Kurt Cobain yet roamed the earth.

“There was no Instagram or TikTok so there was no pressure to look good. We had no idea about global warming, so everyone grew up happy and carefree and full of hope for the future, again like Kurt Cobain.

“People were kinder and didn’t do dreadful things like vote Tory, boyfriends never asked for nudes because they hadn’t been invented, everyone played vinyl all the time and friendships were real.

“Imagine how cute it would have been to call your crush up on their ‘landline’. It even sounds adorable! And if he dumped you he’d have to do it in person, perhaps while smoking indoors. What a wonderful time.”

Mother Sarah Wood-Morris said: “Grace? She would have spent five years of school crying in the bogs. And deserved it, the nerdy little anime bitch.”