Six fears you try to suppress when dating

DATING a new person is terrifying, especially if you’re an anxious sweaty mess who’s trying to hide these valid fears:

Screwing it up

It’s natural to be on tenterhooks when meeting someone who could be your life-partner. And it’s human to feel sick with nerves. Just don’t be too human, especially on her shoes, or in her bag.

Not looking like a wimp

The last thing you want if your date’s confronted by a spider is for her to be distracted by your histrionics. Try to suppress your fear by gallantly carrying your date to safety with a fireman’s lift before she has to revive you with smelling salts.

Coming across as overconfident

Confidence is sexy, but overconfidence is a huge turn off. It’s important to be your true self, not your bathroom mirror self, so stop pouting and take off those sunglasses. You’re in a dimly lit bar and everyone thinks you look like a wanker.

Not being interesting enough

Your date probably won’t be expecting you to have recently built a school by hand in Tanzania. Don’t be afraid to be a regular guy who’s happy climbing the ladder of mutual insurance rather than Everest. On second thoughts, a little elaboration might help.

Over-analysing conversation

If you have a tendency to find a deep and hidden meaning behind every utterance, you could find conversation stopping altogether. Try and limit yourself to only analysing a few key words. Easy ones to start with include: no, sick, leaving, and blocked.

Attempting a kiss

If you’ve suppressed your fears enough to get to the stage where a kiss is appropriate, don’t balls it up by worrying about having the perfect moment. So what if you miss their face or accidentally headbutt them? You can always blame your poor performance on being out of practice due to lockdown. Think of this excuse as Covid’s silver lining.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Snapping fingers, and four other things bellends do in restaurants

RESTAURANTS can turn normal people into raging bellends. If you’re guilty of these, expect to find a nasty surprise in your meal:

Ordering for everyone

There’s a certain type of douchebag who will use a group dinner as an opportunity to needlessly assert their dominance. When it’s time to order, this prick will speak on everyone’s behalf because they ‘know what’s good here’, regardless of people’s tastes, diets, or potential allergies. A special circle in hell should be reserved for these twats.

Snapping fingers

The greatest hallmark of an entitled prick. Snapping your fingers at the waiting staff is a sure-fire way to make everyone else in the restaurant hate you. If you accompany it with a sharp ‘Garçon’ then know that you have almost certainly consumed several gallons of waiters’ piss and spit over the course of your life.

Extravagant bill mime

Waiters know when you are trying to get their attention for the bill. It will be obvious; you will have completely, or nearly, finished your meal. A small ‘holding a pen’ mime is just about acceptable, however if you’re flailing about like Marcel Marceau brandishing a two foot long quill, you’ll look like the idiot you are.

Sniffing wine

People who make a show of ‘testing’ the wine are among the world’s most obnoxious bellends. Elaborately swirling it around the glass then sticking your nose in and huffing deeply will make everyone around you roll their eyes. If you do that weird gargle thing while tasting it, be prepared to be thrown out the back near the bins.

‘Compliments to the chef’

Being a chef is a notoriously difficult and demanding profession. If a chef is running a halfway decent restaurant, they know they’re good at their job. What they don’t need is you, a self-important marketing consultant, showing off to your date by insisting the waiter rushes into the kitchen to deliver unsolicited feedback.