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Six fun phrases you can never use in a relationship

YOU’RE supposed to be able to say anything to your partner, so how come they always lose their shit when you say things like these? Boyfriend Jack Browne puzzles over this conundrum.

Laying pipe

You’ve had the perfect date night together – frozen pizza while watching Braveheart, all washed down with a bottle of Buckfast. And yet when you innocently ask whether you’ve been ‘granted planning permission to lay some serious pipe’ suddenly that’s ‘disgusting’? Women are strange.

Wank bank

Your partner’s always badgering you to sit down and discuss your precarious financial situation. Well, the only bank you’re interested in making a withdrawal from is the wank bank! That witticism would go down a storm at the pub, but it only ever leads to your partner tearing up. Baffling.

Fingerblasting

How can such a joyous-sounding word result in you sleeping on the couch again? For something that sounds like it’s an avant-garde bass-playing technique, it certainly causes a massive fuss whenever you suggest it. They should decide whether they want you to stop being such a selfish lover or not. You can’t win with some people.

Ball and chain

What partner doesn’t love being referred to as a cumbersome metal orb that you’re permanently shackled to? It’s a term of endearment really. Honestly, it wasn’t that long ago – the 1970s – when they would’ve shrugged it off as amusing ‘banter’. But apparently the implication that you’re ruining someone’s life isn’t flattering nowadays. Bizarre.

Toss your salad

Despite constantly asking to spice things up in the bedroom, as soon as you suggest tossing their salad, they go berserk. So what if you said it in front of their parents – their dad was only angry because he thought his daughter might be going vegan. It would have been far worse if you’d said ‘anilingus’. Although he might have thought you were planning a weekend in Dublin.

Motorboating

As soon as you suggest engaging in a harmless spot of motorboating suddenly you’re lectured about ‘basic human dignity’, ‘self-respect’, and ‘sexual objectification’. If it was so bad, why would it have such a fun-sounding name? Maybe they’re the one missing the point? Yes, that will be it.

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'I'm just off for a crap' and other things you can't say out loud at work

DO you spend your working day wishing you could say what’s on your mind? Here are six completely true statements it’s best to keep to yourself.

‘I’m not your friend, Carol’ 

The only thing worse than arsehole colleagues are ones who think they’re your friend and give you a bottle of something shit for your birthday. You can’t admit you don’t want to talk to them, because you’ll probably be sharing a desk with them for the next 20 years. Also you’re not enough of a bastard to emotionally crush them. See how these losers exploit your kindly nature?

‘I’m just off for a crap’

Or to change my tampon. Or to sit in the cubicle and watch porn on my phone. For some reason you can’t be upfront and share these truths in the office, despite it giving your colleagues a useful insight into how long you’ll be in the toilet for. Saying that what you produce in the bog will be the most useful thing you’ve achieved all day is also not okay.

‘You’re all f**king morons’

Tempting as it is to let everyone know your low opinion of them, there’s an unwritten rule that you pretend the random collection of human beings you’ve been shut in a confined space with are not dimwits who make you want to beat your head on your desk. Let the truth out and the whole fabric of society – and perhaps the space-time continuum – would collapse.

‘How is this my life?’

When you were a kid, dreaming of being an astronaut or a unicorn or the world’s most fulfilled train driver, you never thought you’d end up like this. Trapped in a computer-filled cage where the only perks are the free pens and tea-making facilities. However to avoid demoralising yourself to the point of throwing yourself under the packed bus you get to work, keep your mouth shut and push through to Friday.

‘How the f**k can it only be 10.30?’

When you optimistically glance up at the clock for the 17th time this morning, only to discover that time is refusing to pass, it’s not okay to give a genuine howl of despair from your heart. No, if you want to be paid not-quite-enough-money-to-live-on, you must pretend to enjoy what you do. No one knows why, you just do.

‘I bloody love it here!’

Do you have no social life and a weird/creepy personality unconducive to friendships? You probably love the office for the human contact and hijinks like getting a free doughnut occasionally. But don’t say so, it’s just too weird. What next, announcing you like the rancid instant coffee? That you enjoy your commute? For everyone’s sanity, keep schtum.

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