AN ordinary bathroom is surprisingly full of opportunities to leave your partner seething with rage. Try these, out of shocking laziness or just for the hell of it.
Wee on the floor
Leaving a pool of urine in front of the toilet bowl – no matter how many times you’re told not to – is deliciously naughty. Ideally you should do it last thing in the evening; if your partner gets up in the night they’ll walk straight into your carefully laid trap of cold piss that gets right between their toes.
Never replace the toilet roll
Mostly your partner won’t notice the empty cardboard roll until it’s too late. Store bog rolls outside the bathroom so that they have to awkwardly scuttle to wherever you keep it, desperately trying not to let their clothing touch their befouled anus. Hilarious. Film it and put it on Facebook if you really want to annoy them.
Hairs in the bath
Either never clean the bath or do such a half-arsed job it always contains plenty of strangely revolting hairs. Try and get a good head hair/pubes mix, and dead skin is a bonus. Time it so your partner is looking forward to a nice soak after a long day, then has the hassle of cleaning the tub first – and can’t enjoy their bath because it still feels tainted with your filth.
Can’t be arsed to check that turds and other detritus are all safely on their way to the sewage farm after flushing? Don’t bother – your time is far too precious. Going to the toilet gets repetitive, so your partner should be glad of the exciting surprise of a floater cockily staring back at them after cheating its fate.
Waste their good-quality toiletries
Works best with women, but men fond of expensive toiletries can be victims too. Be sure to genuinely waste them – don’t use their conditioner to make your hair look good, use it to clean your bum crack. And that £30 bottle of Wella professional-quality shampoo might work as bubble bath.
Appear to have moved in there
Spend an infuriating amount of time in the bathroom. If your partner wails that they need to leave for work or are ‘really desperate’, keep saying ‘just one minute’. Obviously you’re doing something of earth-shattering importance, such as squeezing a blackhead or unenthusiastically trying to finish a chapter of Stephen King’s The Tommyknockers.