Six great things to do in the bathroom to really annoy your partner

AN ordinary bathroom is surprisingly full of opportunities to leave your partner seething with rage. Try these, out of shocking laziness or just for the hell of it.

Wee on the floor 

Leaving a pool of urine in front of the toilet bowl – no matter how many times you’re told not to – is deliciously naughty. Ideally you should do it last thing in the evening; if your partner gets up in the night they’ll walk straight into your carefully laid trap of cold piss that gets right between their toes. 

Never replace the toilet roll

Mostly your partner won’t notice the empty cardboard roll until it’s too late. Store bog rolls outside the bathroom so that they have to awkwardly scuttle to wherever you keep it, desperately trying not to let their clothing touch their befouled anus. Hilarious. Film it and put it on Facebook if you really want to annoy them.

Hairs in the bath

Either never clean the bath or do such a half-arsed job it always contains plenty of strangely revolting hairs. Try and get a good head hair/pubes mix, and dead skin is a bonus. Time it so your partner is looking forward to a nice soak after a long day, then has the hassle of cleaning the tub first – and can’t enjoy their bath because it still feels tainted with your filth.

Turd ambush

Can’t be arsed to check that turds and other detritus are all safely on their way to the sewage farm after flushing? Don’t bother – your time is far too precious. Going to the toilet gets repetitive, so your partner should be glad of the exciting surprise of a floater cockily staring back at them after cheating its fate.

Waste their good-quality toiletries 

Works best with women, but men fond of expensive toiletries can be victims too. Be sure to genuinely waste them – don’t use their conditioner to make your hair look good, use it to clean your bum crack. And that £30 bottle of Wella professional-quality shampoo might work as bubble bath. 

Appear to have moved in there

Spend an infuriating amount of time in the bathroom. If your partner wails that they need to leave for work or are ‘really desperate’, keep saying ‘just one minute’. Obviously you’re doing something of earth-shattering importance, such as squeezing a blackhead or unenthusiastically trying to finish a chapter of Stephen King’s The Tommyknockers.

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From aggressive marketing to shit food: The five stages of using meal box kits

WERE you tricked into ordering a big box of food and some bad recipes with the lie that a meal kit would be cheap and easy? Here are the stages of finding out it’s not.

Aggressive marketing with confusing discounts

It seems like every YouTube video starts with an advert for a meal box kit, plus your friends and family have discount codes coming out of their ears. You give it a go, despite wondering how humanity has been preparing meals wrongly for millennia and meal boxes weren’t invented sooner.

Choosing from two good meals and 18 crap ones

You excitedly scroll through the website to choose your menu and quickly realise that there are only two potentially interesting meals amongst all the burgers, wedges and penne with chicken. Maybe it will seem more delicious when you see the actual recipe, you optimistically think to yourself.

Receiving a massive box and a shitload of packaging

A few days later an absolutely huge box arrives at your door. When you finally make it through the various paper and plastic bags, half-melted ice packs and stuff that looks weirdly like loft insulation, you’re left with some piddly packs of meat and a few sad looking vegetables.

Trying to use a recipe that’s so ‘simple’ it barely exists

Meal box kits sell themselves on being ‘simple’ but the recipe cards you receive are so basic that you’re have to guess half of the instructions. Still, you manage to cobble together a meal that you pray is cooked through, as getting food poisoning would make a mockery of the company’s claim that this is a fun and pleasant way to eat.

Pretending to enjoy a disappointing meal that looks nothing like the picture

Finally, you sit down to a meal that looks nothing like the picture on the website and is so bland you end up adding loads of salt to make it vaguely taste of something. Healthy? No. Convenient? Not really. Just a big, flavourless pain in the arse. And you’re locked into a legal agreement that says you must have at least three a week.