Why we must stop pensioners stealing warm air on buses. The Telegraph view

By Daily Telegraph columnist Denys Finch Hatton 

WARM air costs money. It is not there for old people to bask luxuriously in on frivolous all-day bus journeys, with the pathetic excuse that their homes are cold and they might die.

Virtue-signalling celebrities like Susanna Reid might feel sorry for ‘Elsie’, but let’s call this what it is – theft, no different to raiding a jeweller’s shop and bludgeoning the owner in a frenzied attack with a claw hammer, leaving them with life-changing injuries.

I’ve got some questions for Elsie. Why can’t she afford heating? Is she spending her generous state pension on bingo and cigarettes? What’s wrong with putting eight jumpers on? Why not keep warm by burning your furniture and old photos? 

Most saliently, why didn’t she get better results at school that would have led to a highly-paid job and a 40k pension? I’m not expecting an answer from Elsie, just demands for more handouts. I expect she’s got a pricey hip replacement and the latest angina pills on her shopping list next.

Buses are for poor but productive people to get to their soul-destroying jobs. Elsie seems to think buses are there for anyone who wants to use them. She’s enjoyed a long and happy life, compared to someone in the Dark Ages, with all the latest gadgets and luxuries – indoor toilets, anaesthetic, shoes – and still she wants more.

It seems everyone is entitled these days. First it was the millennials, but now they’re safely on a treadmill of debt and extortionate rents we must find new hate figures to keep everyone riled up and voting Conservative.  

Some might call me uncaring. Some would say I’ve gone a bit crazed with right-wing dogma. But I have no hesitation in saying this: die, Elsie, die. Get yourself to a euthanasia clinic. And if you can’t do the right thing, the government should.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

What did you come upstairs for? Let's work it out

WE’VE all had a lot on lately, but when you find yourself upstairs and can’t remember why go through this handy checklist:

To use the printer

You successfully managed to get out of visiting your sister for her kids’ birthdays, but that means posting presents. And no way you’re queuing up at a Post Office so that means printing labels, which means using the printer, which means getting a printer unused for months running again. Shit.

To make a phone call

Incensed by what Steve in Kent said about Partygate being irrelevant bollocks and need a quiet place to call in your apoplectic response? Or HR’s suddenly scheduled a non-routine call and you’re slightly nervous? Head to the spare room, where it won’t go well.

To go to bed

It probably wasn’t what you came up for, which was some awful chore, but the bed’s right there, inviting and without judgment. If everyone’s saying homeworkers lie about all day why try so hard to prove them wrong? Nobody will notice a quick power-nap surely?

To see what the neighbours are up to

The noisy bastards are out in the garden again, even though it’s a weekday. And they’re not alone. It’s simply good practice to check out what they’re up to discreetly, standing hidden by the curtains, for 15 minutes or so. And then to fill in the local WhatsApp group in on the latest developments.

To find your car keys

Three o’clock and time for your regular game of ‘where the f**k did I put the f**king car keys’? And you’ve checked everywhere downstairs so even though you know they’re not upstairs you’re checking there? The bastards?

To attend to bodily functions

Forgotten to clean your teeth again, or are you touching cloth and urgently need a shit? Hang on a minute. You were watching TV a moment ago. What was on? Countdown. Rachel Riley. That’s it! You came upstairs for a wank.