Six great ways to avoid having sex with your partner
IN the current circumstances, you might not be feeling that sexy. Or you just might not fancy it, like normal. Either way, here are some great tips to prevent passionate lovemaking.
Conjure up an argument
If it looks like sex is on the table, start an argument. Anything will do. His mouth clicks when he eats – perfect. She leaves empty loo rolls in the bathroom – wonderful. There’s no way you’ll be having sex with this petty-minded miseryguts you’re in a long-term relationship with.
Watch the news
About to hit the sack for a bit of you-know-what? Click over to the nightly news. The relentlessly grim roundabout of Covid, child poverty and Middle East conflict is a guaranteed boner-killer. To be on the safe side, don’t tune into sexy Emily Maitlis and stick with Huw Edwards.
Pretend to be really into your book
As you sit in bed reading like an old couple from a sitcom, your other half might try it on. Huff, tut and say this is a particularly gripping chapter. It turns out that, unlike your partner, The Thursday Murder Club by Richard Osman is absolutely unputdownable.
Eat a big dinner
Nothing stops romance in its tracks like being too full. So the next time you sense your partner trying to get lucky, cook them a huge meal. After a full roast dinner, extra helpings of roasties and sticky toffee pudding, the only fire they’ll have left in them is excruciating heartburn.
Mention sex earlier in the day
If you want to guarantee NOT having sex in the evening, big it up earlier in the day. You can both talk a good game at 1pm when one of you is a bit frisky. But it’s a stone cold certainty that after a long day you’ll both chicken out and watch four episodes of Bridgerton on Netflix.
Tell them it’s ‘the equinox’
Good for confusing men. Tell your partner you can’t have sex because ‘it’s the equinox’. They’ll somehow make the mental leap that this links to the moon, the tides and perhaps a woman’s cycle. And since no one really knows what the equinox is, you can use it whenever you like.