Six great ways to avoid having sex with your partner

IN the current circumstances, you might not be feeling that sexy. Or you just might not fancy it, like normal. Either way, here are some great tips to prevent passionate lovemaking.

Conjure up an argument

If it looks like sex is on the table, start an argument. Anything will do. His mouth clicks when he eats – perfect. She leaves empty loo rolls in the bathroom – wonderful. There’s no way you’ll be having sex with this petty-minded miseryguts you’re in a long-term relationship with.

Watch the news

About to hit the sack for a bit of you-know-what? Click over to the nightly news. The relentlessly grim roundabout of Covid, child poverty and Middle East conflict is a guaranteed boner-killer. To be on the safe side, don’t tune into sexy Emily Maitlis and stick with Huw Edwards.

Pretend to be really into your book

As you sit in bed reading like an old couple from a sitcom, your other half might try it on. Huff, tut and say this is a particularly gripping chapter. It turns out that, unlike your partner, The Thursday Murder Club by Richard Osman is absolutely unputdownable.

Eat a big dinner

Nothing stops romance in its tracks like being too full. So the next time you sense your partner trying to get lucky, cook them a huge meal. After a full roast dinner, extra helpings of roasties and sticky toffee pudding, the only fire they’ll have left in them is excruciating heartburn.

Mention sex earlier in the day

If you want to guarantee NOT having sex in the evening, big it up earlier in the day. You can both talk a good game at 1pm when one of you is a bit frisky. But it’s a stone cold certainty that after a long day you’ll both chicken out and watch four episodes of Bridgerton on Netflix.

Tell them it’s ‘the equinox’

Good for confusing men. Tell your partner you can’t have sex because ‘it’s the equinox’. They’ll somehow make the mental leap that this links to the moon, the tides and perhaps a woman’s cycle. And since no one really knows what the equinox is, you can use it whenever you like.

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Single people wondering if they'll ever go on a shit date again

THE nation’s unloved loners have been left wondering if they will get to enjoy a shit date with a weirdo ever again.

With the concept of dating fast becoming a distant memory during lockdown, singletons are concerned that the days of making awkward small talk in a Nando’s will never return.

Bachelor Tom Booker said: “It’s alright for couples, they get to have crap date nights then pretend to have a headache from the comfort of their own homes. But what are we meant to do?

“I’m not even asking for a spontaneous weekend away in the Cotswolds or a trip up the London Eye. Give me a complete lack of connection in an overpriced pub and I’ll be happy.

“Compared to rolling out a vaccine, pairing people up with someone with no personality or compatible interests should be a piece of cake. I’m surprised nobody’s asked Chris Whitty when this will happen.”

Dating guru Nikki Hollis said: “Single people can date in a Covid-secure way right now on Zoom.

“And thanks to lagging issues and the total absence of physical contact, Zoom dates are guaranteed to be more tortuous and unsatisfying than the real thing.”