ARGUING with your spouse or life partner? Both insisting that the argument actually is about wallpaper even though it’s transparently about your sex life? This is how:
What to watch on telly
He’s pushing for Jason Statham in Meg 2: The Trench. Could he make it any more obvious that he’s after full penetration until the little hard bald man’s exhausted? She’d rather settle down with Love At First Sight, a romcom that’s all foreplay and a much-delayed climax. They end up watching Ghostbusters: Afterlife, pleasing nobody.
Whether to go for wallpaper or paint
She wants wallpaper but wants a professional in to do it. He’s happy to pay for wallpaper but only on condition he gets to slosh the paste everywhere himself with his long brush. Subtext: she’d rather use her vibrator and he’s eager to ejaculate somewhere unconventional.
Missing the recycling collection
As Theresa May explained on The One Show, taking the bins out is a quid pro quo; the man does it only in exchange for regular sexual activity. If the man has not taken the recycling out, this is a deliberate act of protest designed to draw attention to his similarly overstuffed balls. It is a battle of wills as to which will be emptied first.
A sock left on the floor
When a blazing row breaks out over the man’s sock he left on the floor and which has missed the wash, it’s really about one thing: onanism. The sock, symbol of teenage masturbation, represents the husband’s internet porn habit and his resulting inability to satisfy his wife. ‘Pick that bloody sock up’ means ‘you never do me hard any more’.
Forgetting to buy milk from the shops
An unexpected blazing row at 10.30pm when there’s no milk in the fridge can only be about one thing: boobs. He’s unhappy that he never gets to see them and has retaliated by neglecting to purchase milk. She’s frankly not that into having her tits groped while she’s doing the washing-up. A late-night garage milk purchase is cheesy and off.
Whether to have children
The decision to have children often causes arguments in relationships. He is keen to continue having sex for a few more years; she’s had enough of it. She offers the carrot of plenty of penetrative sex in the short-term until conception is achieved; he knows he should hold out but is unable to do so. Thus all arguments are settled forever.
