Six New Year's sex tips I have cranked out for money

By TV sex therapist Nikki Hollis

WE all want a great sex life in 2019, so here are some sizzling sex tips I’ve clunkily managed to link to the New Year.

Get ‘saucy’ with the leftovers

Goose fat makes an excellent sensual massage oil, or try licking leftover onion sauce off each other. For a more filling erotic experience, add some trifle and cold sprouts.

Make ‘great sex’ one of your New Year’s resolutions

‘Great sex’ should definitely be on your list, certainly above ‘clean out the hamster cage’. But how to enter this world of non-stop, mind-blowing orgasms? Here’s my advice gleaned from years of in-depth sex knowledge:

Schedule a time for your lovemaking when you won’t be interrupted. Yeah. That’s it. I know I put this in every article I write but I’m a TV sex therapist, not Albert fucking Einstein.

New Year is a time for new things

By which I mean tickling each other with feathers or doing it with the lady on top. I’m not actually going to suggest living out your most depraved fantasies because I’ve got a regular gig with the Daily Mail.

Lose that Christmas flab with sex

Amazing sex fact: sex uses up 100 calories for men and 69 for women, so you only need 35-50 shags to lose a pound of fat! I’m feeling horny just thinking about it.

If you’re single and don’t have a partner to mechanistically pork until you get slimmer, go for a five-mile run and have a romantic wank when you get back.

Stock up on sex toys in the January sales

With the Christmas rush over, now’s a great time to go online and get some bargain dildos, vaginal eggs and butt plugs. They’re even cheaper if you buy secondhand.

Buy my DVD, Happy New Yeargasm

Admittedly it’s the same bleeding obvious advice I give all year round but please buy it or I’ll stop getting invited on This Morning.

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Have you just been mugged or did you just buy a train ticket?

ARE you distraught, shaking and much poorer? You’ve either been mugged or just bought a ridiculously overpriced train ticket. Take our test and find out what happened.

Where did the incident take place?

A. Just outside the train station.

B. Just inside the train station, at the ticket office.

Did they threaten you?

A. Yes, the guy claimed to have a knife.

B. Yes, if I didn’t cough up for my season ticket they wouldn’t let me on the train and I’d lose my job and have to live in a cardboard box with a dog called Rebel.

Can you describe the mugger?

A. It all happened so fast, but I think he was wearing a grey hoodie.

B. He definitely had a name badge saying ‘Colin – customer service satisfaction adviser’.

Would you recommend their service to a friend or colleague?

A. Are you kidding? I’ve just been mugged.

B. Are you kidding? I’ve just been mugged.

Mostly As. Jesus! You’ve just been the victim of street crime! Call the police, cancel all your cards, take the day off and finish that bottle of Vermouth left over from Christmas.

Mostly Bs. Jesus! How much did you say that ticket cost? Don’t bother calling the police because it’s going to happen pretty much every day for the rest of your working life.

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