Six pathetic ways to try and get a sympathy shag

PREPARED to sacrifice your dignity for the sake of a shag? Of course you are. Here are some pitiful attempts to get laid purely out of pity.

‘My girlfriend’s left me’

You were the most loving boyfriend and she repaid you with rejection. ‘Nice guys always get dumped on, I guess,’ you say, in the hope that the woman you’re with will put right this injustice with a shag on behalf of all womankind. There’s no need to bring up your minor shortcomings, such as being as stingy with her orgasms as you were with Christmas presents. Last year she got a pasta spoon. 

‘I’ve had a bereavement’

Your nan has passed away, and you were such a wonderful grandson, always visiting and doing her shopping. Okay, you didn’t specify when she died, which was 2010, and really you should be able to cope by now, but that’s the price you pay for being so sensitive. Which is another excellent reason to shag you.

‘Animal cruelty makes me so upset’

You love animals and people kicking dogs or neglecting cats makes your blood boil. This has a small but real chance of success with a committed animal lover, and f**k it, there are worse reasons to have sex with someone. Neglect to mention that the animals you love are just the super-cute ones (kittens) or animated ones (Bambi). Big mean bastards like gorillas can go f**k themselves.

‘I’ve worshipped you from afar for years’

Pathetic little you has had a massive crush on her since forever, but you know she’s out of your league. It sounds sappy, but it’s actually a two-pronged attack: she’ll simultaneously feel flattered while pitying you for your utter lack of self-worth. And then f**k your brains out, in theory. Just make sure to sound sickeningly humble, not like you’ve been watching her through binoculars.

‘I’ve had the most awful day at work ever’

Everything you’ve done has gone wrong, you’ve tried so hard and yet all you’ve touched has gone to shit. Your self-belief is crushed and you just need to feel special again. This is pretty desperate, and a useless ploy for sex from a long-term partner. She knows you’re utterly shit at your job, and is likely to feel that any sympathy shag is more deserved by your boss.


If all else fails, try going down on your knees and begging like you’re due in front of a firing squad. She might – just might – acquiesce because she’s so embarrassed and overcome with agonised pity. Which is a perfectly good basis for a relationship, in your book. You’ve had worse.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man terrified of consequences after winning argument with girlfriend

A MAN proved right in a minor argument with his girlfriend is living in dread of the price he will have to pay.

Tom Logan’s momentary euphoria at being correct quickly evaporated and was replaced by horror when he realised how stupid he had been.

He said: “Last night Emma said ‘Don’t forget the plumber’s coming to service the boiler on Wednesday’ but I was sure it was the week after. So, like a twat, I said so. 

“We spent a minute or so contradicting each other before I sealed my fate by providing incontrovertible evidence – a text from the plumber confirming the date and time. 

“I realised immediately it was a mistake. That night there was an icy coldness in the way we sat silently fiddling with our phones. When we went to bed she sulkily went to sleep straight away and I realised there was no chance of a shag for the foreseeable future, maybe forever. 

“I should’ve kept quiet then rung the plumber and made him fit in with the incorrect date Emma thought it was. That’s the normal, correct thing to do. Now I’ve ruined everything.”

Logan’s girlfriend Emma Bradford said: “I admit I was wrong, but that in no way justifies Tom thinking he is right.

“When the plumber arrives I ought to shag him right there in our bed while Tom looks on impotently. That’ll wipe the smug grin off his face, although to be honest he’s mainly looked terrified since yesterday.”