PREPARED to sacrifice your dignity for the sake of a shag? Of course you are. Here are some pitiful attempts to get laid purely out of pity.
‘My girlfriend’s left me’
You were the most loving boyfriend and she repaid you with rejection. ‘Nice guys always get dumped on, I guess,’ you say, in the hope that the woman you’re with will put right this injustice with a shag on behalf of all womankind. There’s no need to bring up your minor shortcomings, such as being as stingy with her orgasms as you were with Christmas presents. Last year she got a pasta spoon.
‘I’ve had a bereavement’
Your nan has passed away, and you were such a wonderful grandson, always visiting and doing her shopping. Okay, you didn’t specify when she died, which was 2010, and really you should be able to cope by now, but that’s the price you pay for being so sensitive. Which is another excellent reason to shag you.
‘Animal cruelty makes me so upset’
You love animals and people kicking dogs or neglecting cats makes your blood boil. This has a small but real chance of success with a committed animal lover, and f**k it, there are worse reasons to have sex with someone. Neglect to mention that the animals you love are just the super-cute ones (kittens) or animated ones (Bambi). Big mean bastards like gorillas can go f**k themselves.
‘I’ve worshipped you from afar for years’
Pathetic little you has had a massive crush on her since forever, but you know she’s out of your league. It sounds sappy, but it’s actually a two-pronged attack: she’ll simultaneously feel flattered while pitying you for your utter lack of self-worth. And then f**k your brains out, in theory. Just make sure to sound sickeningly humble, not like you’ve been watching her through binoculars.
‘I’ve had the most awful day at work ever’
Everything you’ve done has gone wrong, you’ve tried so hard and yet all you’ve touched has gone to shit. Your self-belief is crushed and you just need to feel special again. This is pretty desperate, and a useless ploy for sex from a long-term partner. She knows you’re utterly shit at your job, and is likely to feel that any sympathy shag is more deserved by your boss.
If all else fails, try going down on your knees and begging like you’re due in front of a firing squad. She might – just might – acquiesce because she’s so embarrassed and overcome with agonised pity. Which is a perfectly good basis for a relationship, in your book. You’ve had worse.