Billie Piper, and five other celebrities who didn't deserve a bellend like that

THE warm and good-hearted people of these islands like to see our celebrities suffer for the crime of being famous, but don’t feel they deserved these relationships:

Billie Piper

The unsavoury penchant for strawberry blondes notwithstanding, Laurence Fox must have seemed a safe harbour after Chris Evans. No more headline-chasing controversy with a vainglorious knobhead obnoxiously inserting himself into the national discourse; just a nice, quiet, respectable actor. Until she found herself muttering ‘F**k, not again’ in early 2020.

Samantha Fox

The 16-year-old boob model – a phrase that caused no alarm in 1983 – went out with Australian conman Peter Foster whose conman career foundered due to the notoriety that comes with dating Britain’s barely-legal sweetheart. He was last seen reduced to conning Cherie Blair into some cheap flats.

Katie Perry

Though it’s hard not to harbour a grudge against Perry because of Roar, her punishment outweighed her crime. Even before the credible accusations it was unignorable that Russell Brand was a misogynist sack of shit in multiple leather belts. Few divorced women have ever been proved so right.

Peter Andre

A simple man who likes huge bosoms, the nation watched Peter fall in love in the jungle and then every painful moment of marriage to a woman who hated him, herself, and everyone else in that order and wasn’t shy to say so. Got out and pulled the sweet trick of remaining famous while not having to put up with any of that shit.

Kim Kardashian

After her ill-fated 11-minute marriage to basketball player Kris Humphries, Kim chose her next spouse carefully. Uniting the houses of California Reality and Chicago Hip Hop went well for a while until it really, really didn’t. She escaped intact before Kanye’s full cancellation, with four children to feed into the fame sausage machine.

Jamie Vardy

Hasn’t received a great deal of sympathy for it but f**king hell. Millions of your money gone on your wife making a tit of herself? None of your teammates coming round because they don’t want their glamorous Championship lifestyles exposed when she gets on the blower to the Leicester Mercury? The man’s a saint.

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Teenage lumberjack would rather not talk about how his first day went

A 16-YEAR-OLD boy who started his lumberjacking career yesterday would rather you did not ask how his first day went.

Young tree feller Jack Browne is still recovering from a “mental” first day at work and would rather you talk to him about something else, like the football or his plans for the weekend.

He said: “Seriously, I get enough tree chat at the office. It’s all ‘sycamore’ this and ‘you’ve mutilated a beloved symbol of the North East’ that. It gets a bit repetitive.

“Plus I think the older guys played some sort of initiation prank on me. I had to drive way out to cut down my first tree, which I thought was a bit odd because it wasn’t in anybody’s way. Meanwhile they’re back there in the van pissing themselves.

“I thought I did a great job considering I’m inexperienced, but nobody has bothered to thank me. Maybe I should pack in this lumberjacking lark and go into plumbing. There’s probably more money in it.

“I left enough of the root so it can grow back in a few hundred years so I really don’t see what the big deal is. Anyway, can we see what’s on TV? Anything except the news is fine.”