Six perfect times to send a dick pic

ONCE men courted ladies with flowers, but today’s lovelorn troubadour sends a quick snap of his penis instead. But when is the perfect time? 

In first flush

When romance is struggling to bloom, it’s crucial to get the blood pumping. And what better to inflame passion after the initial four to five messages than a tastefully-filtered shot of your angry member?

At 1.15am

What lady doesn’t love to lift her weary head from the pillow at night to be delighted by a glowing picture of her wooing swain’s cock? ‘But soft, what beauty from yonder iPhone breaks?’ our modern Juliets coo.

At 1.15am after at least four months of no contact whatsoever

Gentlemen in locker rooms amuse each other by peeking their genitalia round doors, and just as much fun is the social media version of this chucklesome prank. ‘Guess who’s back,’ the cheeky tumescent fellow seems to say.

As an opener

Why waste time on someone who’s not right for you? Jolt the relationship into intimacy by sending a fine angle of your proud, erect manhood. Women crave intimacy.

On a business trip

Working closely? The better a team knows each other, the better they can bond, so an emailed stiffy selfie done on a laptop camera in a Travelodge is a gift. Accompanying it with ‘nudes pls’ should prompt an enthusiastic response.

At 1.15am two years after the end of a relationship

Hey, baby. Remember when?

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Corbyn so reasonable supporter worried he's been drugged

JEREMY Corbyn is taking political positions so rational that a worried supporter is afraid he is being drugged and controlled. 

Momentum member Nathan Muir fears that the only way Corbyn could have been stopped from totally screwing up efforts against no-deal would be if he was kept docile on tranquilisers and manipulated by shadowy advisers.

He said: “I kept waiting for Corbyn to blow it. To suddenly back an election. To demand the SNP install him as leader. Or simply to not turn up because of a meeting of the Wakefield Free Cuba society.

“But somehow he glided through the entire thing and even now shows no sign of abandoning his sensible positions for anything suicidal. So that proves it.

“I’m going to mask up, break into Labour HQ, smuggle Corbyn out disguised as a grumpy old caretaker, and deprogramme him on my allotment.

“I’m confident that within 48 hours he’ll be shunning all co-operation with the Lib Dems, claiming only he can deliver a worker’s Brexit and delivering the next election direct to Boris.

“It’ll be better that way, because he’ll remain ideologically pure.”