Monday, 3rd August 2020

Six perfect times to send a d**k pic

ONCE men courted ladies with flowers, but today’s lovelorn troubadour sends a quick snap of his penis instead. But when is the perfect time? 

In first flush

When romance is struggling to bloom, it’s crucial to get the blood pumping. And what better to inflame passion after the initial four to five messages than a tastefully-filtered shot of your angry member?

At 1.15am

What lady doesn’t love to lift her weary head from the pillow at night to be delighted by a glowing picture of her wooing swain’s cock? ‘But soft, what beauty from yonder iPhone breaks?’ our modern Juliets coo.

At 1.15am after at least four months of no contact whatsoever

Gentlemen in locker rooms amuse each other by peeking their genitalia round doors, and just as much fun is the social media version of this chucklesome prank. ‘Guess who’s back,’ the cheeky tumescent fellow seems to say.

As an opener

Why waste time on someone who’s not right for you? Jolt the relationship into intimacy by sending a fine angle of your proud, erect manhood. Women crave intimacy.

On a business trip

Working closely? The better a team knows each other, the better they can bond, so an emailed stiffy selfie done on a laptop camera in a Travelodge is a gift. Accompanying it with ‘nudes pls’ should prompt an enthusiastic response.

At 1.15am two years after the end of a relationship

Hey, baby. Remember when?