INNOCENTLY giving the wrong answer to the woman in your life may scupper your chances of ever getting laid again. Here are the right – and totally wrong – responses to six key queries.
Should I get this new dress?
This one always leaves you nonplussed – she’s already got a f**king wardrobe full of clothes so why does she need more? The correct response, of course, is ‘Definitely, it would look even better on you than on that model’. She’s probably already ordered it before even asking your opinion, so go with the flow.
Should I increase my hours?
Everyone is feeling the pinch, so what a good idea! But beware – her heroically asking is purely rhetorical and a ‘yes’ could be a prelude to a list of all the ‘unpaid f**king slavery’ she currently does around the house. You’ll be on the washing, ironing and cleaning rota before you can blink.
Shall we visit my parents this weekend?
No way. The footie’s on and Sunday is for the pub with your mates. Besides, you’re not even related, genetically speaking, to your in-laws. None of this will wash, so spinelessly reply ‘That would be lovely, we haven’t seen them lately, have we?’ Then mentally prepare yourself for their barely-concealed disappointment that you’re not the obscenely-salaried wanker their daughter deserves.
How’s your dinner?
It’s pretty bland as always, to tell the truth. But stick with the ‘Delicious, you’re such a great cook’ fib, which condemns you to dull food in perpetuity but gets you out of having to bother to cack-handedly attempt any kind of culinary creativity yourself.
Did you remember to send a birthday card to your mum?
Obviously not, you had no idea it was her birthday. But say ‘yes’ and make a mental note to get one and post it on your lunch break tomorrow. Then forget to do it and claim it got lost in the post. It didn’t work last year, but it’s your only option and it might be second time lucky.
Can I borrow your car?
You came out in a cold sweat by the word ‘borrow’ because you knew what was coming, and already had a terrifying mental image of her shunting another vehicle while adjusting her make-up in the rear view mirror. The fact she’s never had an accident in her life, and is actually a much better driver than you, doesn’t figure. Tell her ‘no problem’ but dig out the insurance documents the minute she picks up the keys, just in case.