Six questions women will ask you'd better get f**king right

INNOCENTLY giving the wrong answer to the woman in your life may scupper your chances of ever getting laid again. Here are the right – and totally wrong – responses to six key queries.

Should I get this new dress? 

This one always leaves you nonplussed – she’s already got a f**king wardrobe full of clothes so why does she need more? The correct response, of course, is ‘Definitely, it would look even better on you than on that model’. She’s probably already ordered it before even asking your opinion, so go with the flow.

Should I increase my hours? 

Everyone is feeling the pinch, so what a good idea! But beware – her heroically asking is purely rhetorical and a ‘yes’ could be a prelude to a list of all the ‘unpaid f**king slavery’ she currently does around the house. You’ll be on the washing, ironing and cleaning rota before you can blink.

Shall we visit my parents this weekend? 

No way. The footie’s on and Sunday is for the pub with your mates. Besides, you’re not even related, genetically speaking, to your in-laws. None of this will wash, so spinelessly reply ‘That would be lovely, we haven’t seen them lately, have we?’ Then mentally prepare yourself for their barely-concealed disappointment that you’re not the obscenely-salaried wanker their daughter deserves.

How’s your dinner? 

It’s pretty bland as always, to tell the truth. But stick with the ‘Delicious, you’re such a great cook’ fib, which condemns you to dull food in perpetuity but gets you out of having to bother to cack-handedly attempt any kind of culinary creativity yourself.

Did you remember to send a birthday card to your mum? 

Obviously not, you had no idea it was her birthday. But say ‘yes’ and make a mental note to get one and post it on your lunch break tomorrow. Then forget to do it and claim it got lost in the post. It didn’t work last year, but it’s your only option and it might be second time lucky.

Can I borrow your car? 

You came out in a cold sweat by the word ‘borrow’ because you knew what was coming, and already had a terrifying mental image of her shunting another vehicle while adjusting her make-up in the rear view mirror. The fact she’s never had an accident in her life, and is actually a much better driver than you, doesn’t figure. Tell her ‘no problem’ but dig out the insurance documents the minute she picks up the keys, just in case.

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The man's manly guide to celebrating International Men's Day like a real man

THE day that men talk about on International Women’s Day is finally here. Here’s how to celebrate it like a man.

Think about going on a half-arsed parade

There’s a distinct lack of events on International Men’s Day, so maybe you should fix this by organising a parade which celebrates man things? Some ideas for themes: doing weights, drinking beer and fishing. Alternatively, you could just think about it – like you do with DIY – and stay slumped on the sofa watching TV instead. Nothing’s more manly than that.

Hide your emotions

A day which highlights the positive aspects of men is a good thing, but don’t get carried away by smiling or looking happy. Even an abrupt nod of the head would be going overboard. Instead you should remain as stony-faced as possible, like real men who have fought in wars but don’t talk about it.

Don’t invite women to the festivities

Women have a whole day a year to celebrate how great they are, despite men’s best efforts to ruin it. So on International Men’s Day women should step back and give men room to bask in their brilliance for once. Given that they’re expected to do this on every other day of the year it should be easy for them.

Watch films that celebrate masculinity

You can get away with marathoning Die Hard, Terminator 2 and The Expendables in a single evening if you call it a screening of films which explore the masculine point of view. You’re challenging gender norms, definitely not watching your favourite movies with lots of kick-ass explosions and high-octane action set pieces.

Acknowledge all the amazing men in your life

International Men’s Day is the perfect time to acknowledge all the men who helped make you who you are. Take a moment to be grateful for Homer Simpson, Walter White, that guy who played Deadpool, and maybe even your dad if you’re still in contact. If you have sons, tell them they’re not all that bad really.