Six unconventional male sex fantasy figures

DO you have sex fantasies too embarrassing to admit even to yourself? Here are six blokes you’ve had unwelcome thoughts of shagging:

Supermarket trolley guy

The vacant-looking guy who wheels around the trolleys at the big Sainsbury’s may be one of Britain’s least attractive men, but just look how he handles those snakes of trolleys before ramming them home.

Your dad’s best mate from uni

He lost his hair before you were born and you’ve heard his anecdotes 20 times over, but there’s something about geeky ‘Uncle’ Graham’s confidence and worldly wisdom that makes you feel a little more than simply warm and fuzzy inside. Plus he rolls a decent spliff.

Daddy Pig

Peppa Pig’s rotund father may be irritatingly hapless and speak in such a plummy voice you want to shake him until his stupid glasses fall off, but part of you wants to make a new man of him in a way Mummy Pig is too busy cooking and being a know-it-all to consider.

Officious train conductor

Did the irresistible click of him punching a hole in your ticket make you wish that it was you between his confident, agile hands? And the uniform turns any sweaty, balding man into a sex god, right? He could shuffle things around in your luggage area any time.

Super Mario

Luigi is taller and has the superior jumping capacity, but it’s Mario’s wiggly moustache and simplicity that makes him somehow irresistible. And who hasn’t had fantasies about shagging a plumber, let alone one you can control as much as your level of ability allows?

A cucumber that listens

When it comes to raw sex appeal, sometimes nothing can beat an inanimate object. Non-judgemental, infinitely patient, never puts QI on when you’re telling it what Hayley said to Grace about your Zara top. No man will ever live up to its bulbous charms.

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Gove: 'Get drunk in the office, work in the pub and never mix with anyone from your household'

MICHAEL Gove has ordered Britain to work from pubs, drink in the office and only meet members of their household outside. 

The chancellor of the Duchy of Murdoch has also advised Britons that if they do not observe the 10pm curfew they must self-isolate at a sporting event for 14 days, accompanied only by Scottish children.

He continued: “It’s perfectly simple. The rule of six means that any group of six must be from a minimum of six different households and more if possible.

“Offices are perfectly safe for drinking and pubs are ideal places for administrative work. Eat out at home if you can.

“You’re only allowed to be outside if you’re inside, and whatever your position at 10pm you must reverse it. Grandparents are an exception to every rule because they vote Tory.

“Any wedding and ensuing marriage must be completed within one hour. Guests should take each others’ names and report each other. Everyone will be fine, and subsequently fined £10,000.”

He added: “Common sense? We own common sense. Common sense does what it’s bloody well told.”